It’s been three long months since I introduced the Cleveland Taco Power Rankings and, in that three months, I have ventured into many a new taqueria. This quarter, I bring you a new top contender, as well as a new bottom feeder. I’m also introducing two taco joints that, while you will probably scoff at their inclusion later, provide a great bell-weather for all tacquerias which cannot pass them on the list.
And with that, let’s get down to the details:
Sachsenheim Hall (Last Quarter: (N/A):That’s right, a new number one. Sachsenheim Hall is a unique place, to say the least. Being a bar in a converted Sachsen lodge, the atmosphere is one of a kind. Filled with a strange combination of hipsters, old steel workers and others that are in the know when it comes to food, I’ve never been to a place that felt like this. Add in the fact that the jukebox is seemingly filled with nothing but Yacht Rock, and this may be my new favorite place in town. As for the food, the taco options are endless and only a $1.00 a pop. You can also order a liter-sizede stein of German beer for $6.00. The only drawback? Tacos are only served on Tuesdays. The menu changes daily, with other options such as wings and burgers taking over the rest of the week. While they’re still delicious, this is strictly about the tacos.
Barrio (Last Quarter: 1st): Barrio’s had a busy three months. Not only are they now opening a new location closer to my apartment, but they are also now offering “suggested” tacos, which come in a to-go box, which eliminates the problem I had previously with their lack of space. There’s also now a Barrio taco truck, so it’s safe to say that Barrio is making moves to solidify their position at the top of the Taco Power Rankings.
Papuseria La Bendicion (Last Quarter: 2nd): Good news! They’re still open. Also, the food here is still incredible. The only complaint I have at the moment is the lack of variety in their tacos. While the Carne Asada taco is delicious, that’s the only option you have. The rest of their menu, while not taco-related, remains great, but I could see myself tiring of the same tacos after enough visits.
Cozumel (Last Quarter: N/A):Cozumel is essentially the pinnacle of chain Mexican food. While the menu looks exactly like what you would expect to find at any chain Mexican place in the suburbs, Cozumel actually makes their food the right way. I ordered the “Mexican Tacos”, which are a more authentic taco with soft corn tortillas, carne asada and chorizo garnished with onions, cilantro and salsa verde. If you’re looking for a place to grab a pitcher of margaritas and chow down on some free chips and salsa and decent tacos with some less adventurous friends, this is the place for you.
The Oak Barrel (Last Quarter: N/A):When I was in High School, the building that The Oak Barrel is housed in was a terrible BBQ joint called Hoggy’s. Now, it’s a higher-end brasserie with an insane beer/whisky menu and an incredible Taco Tuesday. As good as I found the tacos here to be, there were two things holding it back from climbing a bit higher on the list. The first was the price. While not anything near Orale, The Oak Barrel is definitely on the higher end of Taco Tuesdays when it comes to price. The second was the use of soft flour tortillas instead of corn. Given that they seem to be going for a more authentic, upscale type vibe, you’d think they’d go with a less dense, more flavorful shell to match the toppings. A simple inclusion of a corn tortilla option, and this place can make a significant move up the list.
Taco Tonto’s (Last Quarter: 3rd):Taco Tonto’s has sort of been lost in the mix for me personally, as I’m yet to go back. Fond memories coupled with growing word of mouth is making me think that a second visit should be happening sooner rather than later.
Chipotle (Last Quarter: N/A): You’re probably wondering why I’m including Chipotle on this list. And I don’t blame you. There’s nothing unique to Cleveland about Chipotle. Their menu is constant and unchanging, meaning they will likely not move above this position in the rankings. But this is an important distinction to make. Chipotle is the break-even point for a taco. If a restaurant can’t surpass Chipotle, they probably shouldn’t be selling tacos. Chipotle tacos are mediocrity in a taco shell. If you can’t top that, you’ve got some work to do.
Taco Bell (Last Quarter: N/A): You’re also probably wondering why I’m including Taco Bell on this list, because Taco Bell is hot garbage. Again, I’m not going to dispute that. But honestly, if a restaurant is selling tacos and can’t even manage to be better than “this would be pretty good if I was hammered”, they shouldn’t be a restaurant. If Chipotle is break even, this is the gutter. If you’re under Taco Bell on this list, you’e looking at a full restaurant revamp.
Orale (Last Quarter: 4th): Despite how great these tacos were, I still haven’t been back. You know why? Because $16 for three tacos is still bullshit.
El Jalapeños (Last Quarter: N/A):“Authentic Mexican food” from a place that doesn’t even know how to pluralize the word “jalapeño” properly in Spanish? Not even close. Remember earlier when I said Cozumel was chain Mexican done right? This is chain Mexican done totally wrong. If it only takes you three minutes to get my food to my table, just take it back, because I want no part of eating crap that’s been sitting under a heat lamp or in a warming tray for hours.
Luchita’s (Last Quarter: N/A):I’m going to get killed for this, but holy crap was Luchita’s bad. Despite being hyped to the moon, I found my food here to be terrible. I ordered the fish tacos which, as described, sounded amazing. Lightly fried and served with some spicy chipotle sauce. I can get with that. Instead, I got some fish which had been so heavily seasoned and fried it tasted undistinguishable from a McChicken served on a flour tortilla with some pre-packaged spicy mayo. The rice also seemed to be some sort of pre-packed base for fried rice that a Chinese takeout place would use, because for some reason there were peas scattered throughout. Oh yeah, and this was also $15. Prices like Orale with food like El Jalapeños? That’s the Charlotte Bobcats of Cleveland taco joints, right there.
Who will step up in the following months? Who will stumble? What new places will I find that will come out of nowhere. Stay tuned to find out the answers to these questions and many more in the next installment of Cleveland Taco Power Rankings.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelocovers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, is working on a novel, and spends way too much time on Twitter. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
There’s a definite trend in television right now, garbage sells. It seems like every other reality show on basic cable has something to do with garbage. Whether it’s finding garbage (American Pickers, Storage Wars), fixing garbage (American Resoration) or getting rid of/selling garbage (Hoarders, Pawn Stars, Comic Book Men), garbage is hot shit on television. So much so, that somehow a show about three dumpy dudes telling people that their garbage is worthless is not only the top rated show on basic cable, buthas somehow gotten a spin-off show, in Cajun Pawn Stars. Why are so many American tuning in to watch television about the mounds of garbage they have in their basement/garage? The answer’s easy.
You can’t ignore the fact that this trend towards garbage television has been all within the past two years or so. As the economy has stalled and more and more people are finding that their financial safety net is gone, they’re having to turn to new ways find cash. What do you do when you have bills to pay, your paycheck won’t cover it and your safety net is gone? You liquidate your assets. In lay terms, you find someone to sell your garbage to.
Enter this guy. He is the guy that tells you what your garbage is worth, gives you the quick cash that you need and then makes a quick buck by selling your garbage to someone else. I know, the American Dream. If you’ve watched one episode of Pawn Stars, you’ve watched them all. Someone comes in with something that has immense sentimental value, the employees of the pawn shop discover it’s either a forgery, worthless or worth far more than they’ll pay (they are a pawn shop after all), and the item is either passed on or sold for far less than what the seller is expecting. You’ll hear the same quote every episode, “it’s worth more than that, it has to be worth more than that.”
Sounds like the kind of thing someone who has their back up against the wall would say, doesn’t it? And when you think about it, that’s really the great untold story behind all these shows. Why are people so willing to sell these immensely sentimental items for ultimately trivial amounts of money? Medical bills. Rent. Student loans. While the specifics may vary, people are selling these items because they need money badly and their safety net is gone.
Okay, so that’s the great economic engine that fuels the source material for these shows, but the question as to why they’re so popular still stands. The veil of desperation is pretty thin on these shows. Often times when the guys on American Pickers are “picking” a house, that house is full of garbage, looks like it’s about to fall down and you can tell the owners checkbook is pretty in the red. Meanwhile, is it any coincidence that Pawn Stars is set in Vegas?
It all comes down to hope. Everyone’s been at that point in some point or another in their life when they’ve been kept up at night wondering how they’re going to pay for something. Even if it hasn’t happened, the way the media’s portrayed this depression has lead to a pretty crazy sense of anxiety in just about every sector of the economy.
Maybe your waterlogged copy of Paradise Lost is actually a super rare first printing and can fill the gap between your paycheck and the bill for your MRI. Maybe your gold Link to the Past SNES cartridge is worth enough to sign up for those few credit hours you need to finish your degree. Hell, maybe that Dasagna Diop rookie Fleer card is worth enough to fill your gas tank.
When times are good, we spend our money freely and usually on dumb things that we don’t need. When times are bad, we rely on our savings and credit to get us through the rough spats. However, when that savings and credit are gone, you realize how stupid those purchases you made earlier are, and wonder if you can unfuck the situation by selling all those mistakes to someone else. Generally, the answer’s no. But on occasion, that book you bought or the train set in your basement might be worth enough to get you through the rough patches. And that’s why we watch Pawn Stars, to give us hope that if we find ourselves in that situation, that we can be the ones to turn garbage into gold.
It’s either that, or it’s because these shows are cheap to produce and mainstream audiences love a formula. Your call.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelocovers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, is working on a novel, and spends way too much time on Twitter. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
This has been about four months in the making (solely my fault), but at long last, SpaceFunMars is back for another Intimate Conversation. This time, the two of us tackle the oh so important topic of boss battles in contemporary gaming. It all started off so innoncently, with me sitting in my apartment playing the newest Devil May Cry and wondering a simple question; where were all the bosses?
Angelo
As I’ve been playing through the new Devil May Cry game, after every level I’ve been wondering what’s happened to the boss fight in contemporary video games? How have things gone from a point where boss fights were expected after every level, to something where they happen maybe once every three or four, if at all, and usually feel rushed and slapped on. Do you share this lamentation?
SpaceFunMars
It bothers me more when boss fights are slapped on badly than when they aren’t there at all. I’m not going to say every game needs a boss fight since plenty of games are near perfection without them. I will say bad boss fights bother me to no end. At that point, just cut it out. I may be playing devil’s advocate when I say this, but boss fights often feel forced into games that are sticking to old videogame norms instead of doing what feels natural. Even to the point where some games have two different development teams — one that makes the actual game and one that makes the boss fights. That disconnect is in no way good for games.
Does it mean I dislike boss fights? Far from it. There are plenty of modern games that get it right. I just don’t lament the lack of boss fights — if only out of fear that adding them will make games worse.
Angelo
Do you have some examples of modern games that get it right? Generally speaking, I find that more often than not, most games get it wrong. Devil May Cry may be one of the first games I’ve played in a while that I thought got them really right (which is odd because I’ve noticed most reviews are ragging on the boss fights, so apparently I’m the only one who thinks that).
But you’re absolutely correct, bad boss fights are one of the quickest ways to get me to stop playing a game. Actually happened to me and Arkham Asylum. As much as I loved that game, the Poison Ivy boss was just so bad and so irritating, that I totally walked away and never finished. I just didn’t get it. The game was a brawler, yet that boss relied upon projectile weapons precise timing? Huh?
I think a lot of it has to do with what you mentioned about separate design studios. Too many games now-a-days feel like they have two different play mechanics, one for the the boss fights and one for everything else. While I loved quicktime events in Resident Evil 4, by this point, they’ve become so ubiquitous that it’s annoying. And there’s nothing worse than a boss fight that is comprised solely of QTEs. Or, like some of the bosses in the Dead Space series, where the game suddenly goes on rails and it turns into a glorified game of Duck Hunt. It’s so disappointing that these developers create these awesome environments and play mechanics, yet can’t deliver a boss fight that really utilizes them to their best
I think the problem is that the scope of videos game has gotten so large that developers feel like they have to make boss fights these huge, enormous set pieces like the God of War series (which I think actually does that right, but those games are some of the few). It’s like developers have forgotten that a good boss can still occur on a limited scope using mechanics found throughout the rest of the game and not everyone has to be this huge climatic battle with a boss the size of a building.
I mean, the Mega Man series had some of the best boss fights ever and they were barely larger than Mega Man himself.
SpaceFunMars
I think Nintendo consistently gets boss battles right in their games. I’ve been playing New Super Mario Brothers Wii-U, and I can’t fault the boss design in that game at all. Zelda and Metroid games have also nailed boss design over the years. I can’t think of any huge boss misstep in the world of Nintendo at all, which is something video game purist can count on over the years.
However, it is easy for Nintendo to to really nail boss battles because — Metroid aside — those games haven’t really changed ever. The 2D Mario games are exactly the same as every 2D Mario game in the past right down to the Boss battles. The 3D ones are pretty much refinements of Super Mario 64 which itself isn’t all that different from 2D Mario games. Although, I would say the 3D Marios have more variety than their 2D counterparts. Zelda games haven’t changed at all. 2D. 3D. It’s all the same. Metroid is the only series that has undergone any significant change, becoming a first-person-shooter Zelda during the Prime series. In this way, the boss fights also have a very Zelda feel to them, which isn’t a bad thing.
The main criticism of Nintendo is that their games never change. They’re all small refinements on a formula, and it’s for that fact that their boss battles never feel out of place. It almost doesn’t seem fair to list Nintendo games as examples of boss battles done right. I can’t exactly say they are examples of modern gaming, and I don’t think I can list many modern games that have done boss battles right.
When you asked me to join you in this boss battle conversation, the first game I thought of as an example of a game that does bosses correctly was Bit.Trip Beat. But that’s a game that — if stripped of its psychedelic lightshow backgrounds — could easily have been on the original Nintendo or even one of the Atari systems. If new Mario games aren’t modern, then this game is absolutely ancient. It seems that most new games that are purposefully retro nail boss fights, but to use them as examples is almost cheating.
As far as actual modern games go, I think the Portal games (Portal 2 especially), the Borderlands games, and the Viewtiful Joe series have pretty good boss fights.There aren’t many boss fights in the Portal games, but I excuse that because it’s a puzzle game. It’s amazing that those games have boss fights at all. Borderlands isn’t overrun with boss fights either, but I would say it’s more common than most games and never feels out of place.
What both of those games do right is bring game mechanics the player has been learning all along into the boss fights. The player has to every trick and every skill to beat the bosses. They’re bigger, more complete versions of the types of things they saw before.
Viewtiful Joe is somewhat different, and I’m not sure how to describe it. Those games use old school beat-em-up mechanics and completely turn them on their heads by adding in some super modern designs. Mostly, Joe’s ability to manipulate time (among other super powers). It’s a game that feels super modern while the level progression is more on the retro side. It’s almost a post-modern look at retro beat-em-ups. Of course, any good beat-em-up also has boss battles as part of its design, but this is the only game I can think of right now that mixes old and new design so flawlessly. Some of the answers to the boss problem may be hidden in figuring out that kind of mix.
Angelo
Oh, I absolutely agree that Nintendo get it right the most consistently. Actually, if I had to compose a list of my top five favorite boss battles, most would be Nintendo bosses.
You’re right, the best boss fights are ones that gradually build upon the skills learned in the game. That said, I took issue to the boss fights in Viewtiful Joe. While they did build upon those skills, they required a near mastery of them in order to get through them. While I’m all for difficult games, I prefer if a game allowed multiple solutions to each problem. With Viewtiful Joe, I just couldn’t do what needed to be done to beat one of the later bosses and never passed it. If they had allowed any other strategy to be successful, I would have finished and would have enjoyed the game more.
I call it the Mega Man Rule. Each boss had two ways to be defeated. There was the proper way, using the correct weapon, or there was the harder way, using the default Mega Buster. Sure, that was was already harder, but sometimes you didn’t have the right weapon. It’s a way of accepting that not every player will be able to master every skill and allow them to brute force their way through it if need be.
That or I was just terrible at that game and am kind of a wuss. Your call.
SpaceFunMars
My call is you aren’t very good at Viewtiful Joe. I’ll admit that particular boss is hard, but I beat it in a few tries. Editor’s Note: Without me even mentioning the specific boss, he immediately knew the one Iwas talking about. It’s THAT hard. It isn’t even the hardest boss in that game, but I’m not sure if that fact helps or hurts your case. I will say Joe is an example of a game that builds upon skills — although not to the point of mastery. Just near mastery.
What the game does wrong, as you say, is a very narrow-minded approach at beating bosses. There is basically one way to do it. The best boss fights allow for multiple approaches. You are absolutely right in that. I just think that is also a relative rarity. Look at Zelda and Mario games as an example. Zelda games always require the player to hit the boss three times with whatever new weapon Link acquires in each dungeon, and then attach the boss with the sword. Mario games involve jumping on someone’s head three times. The approaches in these games are not only narrow but follow a precise formula. Gamers don’t complain about that because these games don’t stray above sorta hard at any given time.
We live in an age where a lot of gamers bemoan the time when games were difficult, but when we get a game like Viewtiful Joe that is hard and has well-done boss fights, we complain about that. Very few games come even close to perfect, so it seems harsh to bad-mouth Viewtiful Joe for either being too difficult or not having two approaches to every boss fight. When I write it out, that’s a very small mistake in the grand scheme of a game.
It’s too bad Joe didn’t come out after some of Nintendo’s more recent games. They have a very interesting quasi-cheat mechanic in Mario games and Nintendoland where if a player dies too many times in an area, they get a special block that essentially makes them invincible so they can beat that difficult part of a level. If Viewtiful Joe had something like that — although maybe not nearly as powerful — it wouldn’t have to dial down the difficulty level so wusses like you can beat mid-game bosses.
Angelo
And this is where I’m going to have to disagree. I find that mechanic of “clearly you suck at this, so we’re going to let you skip this part” to be super cheap. Where’s the sense of accomplishment in finally beating that part you’re stuck on? Not to mention, that has to kill creativity. That’s one of the things I do like about incredibly difficult boss fights, the trial and error and “hey, maybe I should try doing this” that goes on before you finally figure out what it is you need to do.
And that’s why I like it when there are multiple ways to beat a boss. You still get that exploration of what it is you need to do, and the creators can make the preferred solution as complicated as they want, like in Viewtiful Joe. That said, since there will be a handful of people who can’t do that preferred method, having another option of just brute forcing your way through the boss can still allow players to proceed through the game and get that satisfaction of beating a difficult boss.
The newest Metal Gear game does that perfectly. When I went through the first time, the mechanics of beating the bosses was just too complicated for me to grasp, so I wound up brute forcing my way through the bosses. It took a lot longer and a lot more med packs, but I was able to beat the game. Now that I’m going through on a New Game+ mode on a higher difficulty, I’ve figured those mechanics out and can beat the bosses in the preferred way much quicker and while taking much less damage. Even on a significantly harder difficulty.
That seems to be the best possible solution to this problem, no?
SpaceFunMars
I think you’re getting nit-picky at this point. You have to remember that anyone who is going to use the hand-holding feature probably isn’t good enough at video games at this point to play it over and over again until they beat it. I personally get so offended when I fail so much that it gets offered that I try super hard to beat it. It’s like a taunt that focuses me (not to mention, using this feature usually results in a lesser score if people care about that shit).
And I’ll also say that, in recent years, Mario games have been incredibly soft on players. New Super Mario Wii-U is the most hardcore Mario game since Super Mario World, and the only reason it gets away with that is because of the hand-holding feature. That has inspired increased creativity for a game that has to cater to more audiences and difficulty levels than any other game. And it’s not like some games where you can just choose easy, medium, or hard for a difficulty. What makes it difficult is the level design itself, which cannot be scaled easier or harder.
And keep in mind that some people just can’t “power through” a boss. You are talking about a skill inherent in hardcore gamers that casual ones may not possess. Even at that point, allowing such a tactic may compromise the vision a designer has for a game more than even the hand-holding feature. Allowing less skilled players to basically cheat code through a game doesn’t change the essence of the game itself, but allowing a “power through” tactic does.
I’m not disagreeing that I prefer multiple approaches to bosses, but I think in a world where great boss fights are going extinct, we can’t nit-pick over games that actually nail the design. Whether they make them too hard or create features that allow unskilled players to beat parts of the game where they are stuck is just complaining for the sake of complaining. We can’t have things go our way 100% of the time.
Angelo
You’re right. I’m nit-picking. That’s probably a sign that we need to stop and just appreciate what we have. And, with that, I think I’m going to go play some Bioshock.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
Spacefunmars has a photo-blog about his pets. He designs the world’s best ever board games. He lives in Buffalo and loves chocolate milk. All he wants is to love and be loved. You can find him on twitter @spacefunmars.
Brief Thoughts is a recurring segment here at Goodspeed & Poe in which our writers bring you their deepest, darkest, and mostly unfinished thoughts while watching a film that is otherwise not interesting enough to warrant a deeper post. And with that brief introduction, let’s get to today’s film, 2013′s remake of the classic Evil Dead. Spoilers await below.
Just to be clear, I’m going into this expecting to hate it. That is where I’m beginning.
Things aren’t starting off on the right foot. The film opens with a sequence that feels a bit too much like something out of a Rob Zombie film for my tastes as a father and a bunch of inbred redneck looking dudes “purify” a girl that has been tainted by the book by burning her at the stake. I’m now worried.
Hey, that guy kind of looks like Ted Raimi.(Editor’s Note: Upon consulting IMDB after the film, it was not Ted Raimi. It totally should have been though).
Alright, with that rocky opening out of the way, we’re being introduced to the group of kids spending their weekend at the cabin in the woods. Thankfully, there is no one named “Ash” in this group. A very wise choice.
Okay, so this David character is pretty much Ash, but is not actually named Ash. His little sister Mia is pretty much Cheryl, only she’s trying to kick a drug problem, hence the retreat to the cabin. I really like that added touch. A much better reason for the trip than simply wanting to get away for a weekend to a creepy-ass cabin in the woods. This is growing on me.
THE CLASSIC MAKES AN APPEARANCE!!!!
They find the book in the basement, as well as the burnt remains from the opening of the film. In yet another excellent decision, there’s no audiotape from the original movie. I like how they’re consciously avoiding anything and everything iconic from the original film. A really solid idea on the filmmaker’s part.
A passage from the book (which wisely doesn’t look much like the book from the original series) is read and the shit starts to hit the fan. I’m really liking the deeper meaning here in that this can all be traced back to Mia’s withdrawal and drug addiction. You don’t often see remakes adding meaning or depth to films.
I’m really enjoying how much more of the book you see in this film.
Even though they hinted at it in the trailers, I’m still shocked they kept the tree rape scene in the film. Though they also introduced this “Evil Mia” double character, which again plays nicely into the running allegory about drug abuse.
I’m constantly being surprised by how smartly the filmmakers are side-stepping everything iconic about the original film. The creature design is totally different, with the white contacts from the original totally being abandoned. The possessed’s voices are much deeper than the original and, so far at least, none of them have promised to “swallow your soul”. Thumbs up all around.
Ah, now they’re actively fucking with fans of the original film. There’s totally a scene that makes you think there will be a possessed hand running around the cabin like in Evil Dead II, but alas, it’s all an elaborate rouse. Again, very smart.
I’m sitting here and thinking that this is exactly how you remake a classic horror film. I wrote about this a while back for Bloody Good Horror, and it’s amazing how well Evil Dead is fitting the mold I proposed in that article. The filmmaker’s knew there was no way they’d be able to out-Bruce Campbell Bruce Campbell, so they didn’t even try. They boiled the Ash character down to it’s essence and created the character of David. All the iconic visuals and sounds are gone, with no attempt to replicated them (which is a great idea, because the “we’re gonna get you” part in the trailer is terrible and immediately draws comparisons to a scene that this film was in no way going to be able to surpass). As a result, this feels like a full-realized story that just happens to fit in the Evil Dead universe. I approve of this. Immensely.
I really enjoyed this, so I’m not going to spoil anymore. Go see this. Trust me.
Groovy.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
Brief Thoughts is a recurring segment here at Goodspeed & Poe in which our writers bring you their deepest, darkest, and mostly unfinished thoughts while watching a film that is otherwise not interesting enough to warrant a deeper post. And with that brief introduction, let’s get to today’s film, 1985′s Stephen King/Gary Busey werewolf flick, Silver Bullet.
Oh hey, this movie starts with Lou from Major League getting decapitated by a werewolf. That’s a promising start.
It then segues into a kid with some sort of gasoline powered, wheel-chair/motocross bike hybrid thing hanging out with his drunk Uncle played by Gary Busey. That’s… puzzling.
And then the werewolf climbs up the side of a house to break into a bedroom window. That’s also puzzling.
Apparently this werewolf doesn’t know it’s a werewolf and has instead taken to killing people in very un-werewolf like ways. Such as exploding from underneath a greenhouse floor and stabbing someone in some wood. Or by attacking them from underneath the cover of fog. Something tells me they didn’t have the budget to actually make a werewolf movie, yet tried to do so anyways.
Yeah, that’s absolutely what they did.
How has Stephen King made so many movies when they’re almost all terrible?
Oh, so the family in this movie let an alcoholic Gary Busey build their child suped-up, gasoline powered wheelchairs that look and funcition like motocross bikes. That makes a lot of sense.
Oh, and they also let him hang out with him and give him fireworks to fight werewolves. That also makes a lot of sense.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
Sometimes you find gold in the most unexpected places. Case in point, the other day I went into Target after work looking for two things, some conditioner for my hair and an air freshener for my car. You see, I had learned the hard way that if you happen to leave a bunch of Bio-Freeze (think Icy Hot minus the hot) in your car in the Winter, there’s the chance that it’ll freeze. If this stuff happens to freeze, it will rip through the pouch that it comes in, spilling a bunch of horrible smelling menthol goo all over your car.
It was gross. Hence the need for the air freshener.
Now, I’m looking at air fresheners, when I find these little sticks that you stick into your vent. I look at them and think “hey, this is pretty unassuming looking” and consider picking them up as they won’t be super obvious or anything. However, I can’t figure out what the listed smell, “Primal Impulse”, smells like, so the turn the package over.
And there, I find gold:
I stood in awe. I read the packaging again. Yes, I did read everything correctly. This was not a joke. This really was a “TOTALLY EXTREME BRO, WOAH” air freshener. For your car.
The reality of what I was holding quickly began to sink into my psyche. Somewhere out there, there exists a marketing manager who thought that the market for air fresheners had a hole. A hole the size of sexually insecure/frustrated/angry bros who needed their air fresheners to be “TOTALLY EXTREME TO THE MAX” because otherwise they couldn’t bring themselves to face another human being in the checkout line without feeling massive amounts of shame.
And how exactly do you market to this demographic without making them self-conscious of the situation that they’re in? Let’s translate this line by line:
DIRECTIONS: SHOVE IT IN THE VENT… PREPARE TO BE BLOWN AWAY!
Translation: Look dawg, it happens to all of us from time to time. Things happen and you kind of hit a dry-spell with the ladies. We get it, bro, it’s hard to meet someone out there. And when you do, they want you to like listen to them and shit. And let’s not forget, you gotta have that scrilla because women be shoppin’, am I right? Yeah broseph, I get it. It’s been a little while since you’ve gotten some action. But don’t worry. You can just shove DRIVEN BY REFRESH into your air vent over and over again and we won’t tell anyone, brochacho. Your secret’s safe with us breh.
DANGER! THIS AIN’T YOUR DAD’S AIR FRESHENER!
Translation: Listen brah, your Dad’s a pretty intimidating bro. I mean, he’s got his shit put together and owns a house and can pay his bills and all that shit. And while it’s totally cool and all that he’s letting you stay in his basement while you spend all your money at the bars with your bro magnons, it’s hard. Girls always asking you if you live with your parents. Having to sneak back into their house in the middle of the night so they don’t know you were out partying hard at the brodeo. Your Dad asking you shit about when you’re finally going to get a job and settle down and act your age and all that. Well, fuck that shit Brosiedon! DRIVEN BY REFRESH ain’t for that asshole! It’s for you and young brofessionals like you! This ain’t some lass-ass Glade Plug-Ins shit breh.
HAZARDOUS MATERIALS! IN YOUR FACE SCENT GUARANTEED TO DRIVE THEM CRAZY!
Translation: Bruh, women be wantin’ so much out their man these days. They want you to like have a job and be in shape and be a good listener and to respect them and all that bullshit. We get it, it’s hard for a Chillbro Baggins like yourself to juggle time in the gym getting ripped with your brodigious bromigos and trying to have a job and be put together and shit. Luckily for you, DRIVEN BY REFRESH is just what you’re lookin’ for Bromeo. All you gotta do is shove some hazardous chemicals all up in her face and DRIVEN BY REFRESH will do the rest! It’s that easy breh!
THE TIME IS NOW! GET READY TO BE DRIVEN BY REFRESH!
Translation: Cuz your car still smells like shit, breh.
Shockingly, it actually gets worse. After reading all that and pondering the fate of humanity for a solid 15 minutes, I still had no idea what the hell “Primal Urge” smells like. So, I walked out of Target with a new car air smell air freshener (which I later spilled all over myself the next day during lunch because I’m slick like that) and consulted the Internet when I got home.
And again, I struck gold. DRIVEN BY REFRESH has a website. And woo boy is it something.
Right away, you get hit with this brilliant sentence:
Cutting edge design, innovative platforms and bold, masculine scents guaranteed to get you the attention you deserve
Because you can’t get women. And you’re insecure about it. And you’re too manly to publicly acknowledge your car smells gross. Because this is apparently a huge market opportunity.
But still, my answer was elusive. What the hell did “Primal Urge” smell like? I found their scents page and finally got my answer:
Leather and wood notes will mesmerize all who come close with your power, limitless strength and obvious good taste
I don’t know if that’s a description of an air freshener or the world’s weirdest fortune cookie saying. Limitless strength? Power? What the hell does that have to do with an air freshener? Also, I’m pretty sure if you’re buying an air freshener called “Primal Urge” your taste, while quite obvious, is not good.
But there’s more. Here’s the description of the scent “Titanium Rain”:
Titanium Rain’s hints of ocean and sandalwood are a scented reminder of EVERYTHING you did last Summer
Yes. There’s a sexual innuendo in a sentence for an air freshener that’s supposed to smell like the ocean. Gross.
You know what’s a great product name when you’re advertising something towards sexually frustrated men? “Venom Assault”:
They won’t see it coming. Venom Assault, with traces of orange and spice, sharpen your senses for other nocturnal adventures
What the fuck is this? “Nocturnal adventures”? “They won’t see it coming”? Do they not realize what the subtext behind this is? No, they totally do, and that’s super gross.
This is the world in which we live. We have a non-ironic air freshener marketing campaign run by a real life @DadBoner with some really questionable/reprehensible sexual undertones. Some real Don Draper shit right here.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
Sleep has always been elusive for me. Between naturally being a bit of a night owl, my horrible caffeine dependency and my love of surfing the Internet, I don’t usually get to bed until at least 1:00am on most nights. Even as a child, with a strictly enforced bed-time, I would lay in bed for hours before finally being able to fall asleep. Thankfully in those days, I had my trusty clock radio and Coast to Coast AM to keep me company.
What is Coast to Coast AM you ask? It’s only the single greatest radio show ever. Ever. For four hours every night, Coast to Coast AM features the cream of the crop of conspiracy theorists, psychic mediums, cryptozoologists, and pretty much everyone else that makes Glenn Beck look like a sound, reasonable man, talking about an array of topics as varied as Bigfoot, alien abductions, hauntings, and, my personal favorite, politicians that are actually shape-shifting reptilian alien overlords. It short, it fucking rules.
Look at that man. Aviators. Turtleneck. Mustache. Smokers voice. He’s pretty much the coolest. He’s also the original host of Coast to Coast AM, Art Bell. Sadly, Art’s been retired for most of the past decade, leaving the reigns of Coast to Coast AM in George Noory’s somewhat shaky hands, but when he was at the helm, Coast to Coast AM was some of the greatest entertainment around.
You see, Art’s an old school conspiracy theorist. While contemporary conspiracy theorists have hung their hat on lame conspiracies revolving around 9/11, Obama’s birth certificate and new world orders run by bankers, Art was all about the good shit. Alien abductions. Roswell. Area 51. Reptilians. Bigfoot. New world orders run by space lizards. You know, the batshit awesome stuff you think a guy that looks like Art would be into.
The best thing about Art though, was that he didn’t take any shit. You see, Coast to Coast AM is known for it’s unscreened open phone lines. Being that there are no call screeners, pretty much any paranoid hillbilly that’s awake at 2:00am on a Tuesday could call in and get on the air with Art. And while these crazy phone calls about being abducted by aliens that did your laundry were awesome, Art calling these hillbillies out on their shit was even more awesome. You know, you don’t want people to not take your show seriously after all.
While Art’s retired, he’ll still come back to fill in from time to time, which is great not only because the show is back in it’s old form, but because Art has since quit smoking. Why does that matter? Because Art’s been taking Chantix for seemingly a solid decade. Chantix, if you’re unaware, has a variety of crazy side effects, including super vivid night terrors, which Art will talk about at length on air. Now keep in mind, this man spent his life talking to dudes who hunt Bigfoot. Can you imagine the fucked up, crazy ass Chantix nightmares this man has? Yeah, they’re fucking awesome.
Coast to Coast AM was always about the moments. On any given night, you had no idea what crazy shit was going to go down. Below are some of my favorites:
Moment 1: The Area 51 Caller
Like I mentioned earlier, Coast to Coast AM never screens their calls. One night back in 1997, this happened. A man claiming to have worked at Area 51 called in and began detailing a far-reaching government conspiracy involving cross-dimensional aliens, NASA and population control. While the caller was frantically (fairly legitimately I may add) explaining the “truth” behind Area 51, something happened and the satellite carrying the show was knocked offline.
While just a crazy coincidence, this of course was a sign that the government got wind of the fact that someone was spilling the beans and killed the satellite. The caller later called back and confessed that he was pulling a prank, but even after that disclosure, Art chose to believe the government knocked the show off the air because the guy had accidentally hit upon the truth. Like I said, this show rules.
Moment 2: JC and Oscar
Coast to Coast AM has a few notable recurring callers. My personal favorites go hand in hand. The first is the hillbilly you hear in the video above, ranting about how Bigfoot is actually Satan. His name is JC. He claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, hence the name. Art hates him and has had many amazing duels with him on the air, including this one.
The second caller may be familiar to fans of the band Islands, as they sampled him in the song Volcanoes. Oscar is a demon that also happens to be the son of Satan. He’s also a woman named Rachel. It’s complicated. Oscar started calling after Art had handed over the show to George Noory, but has still produced many memorable moments, including this great one when JC and Oscar briefly had it out over the phone:
Moment 3: The Sounds of Hell
Back to the Art Bell days. The story goes that a Siberian mining operation was wiped out when it accidentally opened a hole to Hell. After Art had covered the story, a listener sent in a cassette tape supposedly from a tape recorder lowered into the hole. The result was another classic Coast to Coast AM moment.
The actual story if you’re curious, is that the hole in question was actually a sinkhole that was amplifying the sounds from a roller coaster many miles away. Science!
Like all things in life, Coast to Coast AM isn’t going to be around forever. Already, without Art Bell behind the mic, the quality of the show has slipped. And sadly, I’m sure there will be a day when Coast to Coast AM will become an extension of Fox News and just become Republican talking points about how Obama is an socialist atheist that was born in Indonesia that is waging a war on religion, the family and America. However, until that day comes, I’ll be listening just in case something awesome happens and another classic Coast to Coast AM moment is born.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
Recently while scrolling through Twitter, I stumbled across the account of Eric Buenning, a fellow basketball blogger at SBNation. Eric was in the midst of telling a story that’s very familiar to me, the date that starts off super promising and ends horribly awkward. He then dropped a term that I’ve never heard before, “swog”. For those who are not familiar, this is a good primer. I knew I had to know more about this “swog” concept. And with that, a conversation began…
Angelo
Mr. Buenning,
As a man who has embarrassed himself in more than a few ways with the fairer sex, I find this concept of “swog” in which you frequently discuss on Twitter to be quite interesting. I was hoping we could begin with a quick run-down of what “swog” is and isn’t in your eyes. Most importantly, I am curious as to what separates “swog” from a lack of social awareness and the general inability to flirt with those you are attracted to. Care to shed some general insight before we move on to a deeper discussion of the topic?
Eric
First and foremost, I have to admit that I am not the one who came up with this. YouTube icon Ryan Higa made a video about ‘swog.’ I am just the one who carries the swog virus most feverishly.
Swog, in my eyes, is the opposite of swag in swag situations. What I mean by that is also my reasoning for why it’s not just a lack of social awareness.
A lack of social awareness or general inability to talk with the other sex stems from a lack of confidence in my eyes. If you’re approaching a girl thinking “oh shit oh shit this isn’t going to work out like the movies,” then it won’t. Because you suck. Because you eliminated the possibility of whatever you’re trying to accomplish working before you even began.
Swog is different. Strictly speaking in the category of hitting on women (or men, if you are a woman; or the same gender [swog doesn't discriminate]), swog happens when you go into it thinking that you’re going to be all sorts of smooth and that nothing could possibly go wrong. The act of the “pick-up” is just as awkward as one done by a socially inept person, but the original mindset going into it is different.
Swog is basically attempting what you think will be successful and falling flat on your face with it. For example: I work at a reception desk in my dorm. Sometimes, groups of girls walk by, and I greet them with “Hello, ladies.” Not the worst greeting ever, right? WRONG. I don’t have the most….variety in inflections of my voice so it came off like I’m Hannibal Lecter and now I’ve got a group of girls who want nothing to do with me. That’s swog.
Swog has also loosely permeated into events of mine where just super awkward and embarrassing things happen to or near me, and I don’t have the gumption to figure a way out of it in time. Magically, I always end up experiencing the most unorthodox and most spine-tinglingly awkward paths toward a solution.
I’m not an awkward guy. I’m actually pretty normal when it comes to most situations. It’s just..every time a situation presents itself where the most awkward version is a slight possible, I seem to end up living that timeline out.
Angelo
You basically just described my life. I’ve often wondered if I am currently living out the darkest timeline as I, much like you, have found my life seemingly always taking the most egregiously awkward turns with next to no warning and for no apparent reason.
This leads me to my next question. Is swog an innate characteristic that we both just happen to possess, or is it an external force much like the Kavorka of Seinfeld fame that has been inflicted upon us like a curse? In other words, is it fixable? Or are we doomed to walk the earth with permanent swog?
Eric
What a question. As it is hard for me to answer because I am currently so immersed in gooey, dirty swog, I believe it is something that is acquired. I struggle to say it’s a curse or something that can be afflicted upon someone, because I’ve tried to give it away…multiple times..it’s not working.
It’s not just straight up acquired though. I believe that, as a youth, we all had a chance to completely squash swog. A lot of people didn’t, but I believe that people like us left the door open a little too far for its return.
To answer your question fully, I am in the camp that believes that it is an external force that is not really afflicted on anyone at random. It’s always around. Some people just don’t have enough confidence to realize it’s coming and eradicate it.
I also think that it can be fixed, but not be the infected party. This is where the aid of quality wingman or wingwoman are pertinent. If there is anyone who can help shave the fat off most awkward situations, then the likelihood of a successful attempt of swag increases dramatically.
We are not totally doomed. Yet.
Also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you have swog!
(Sorry, it feels good to not be alone).
Angelo
I like the idea of it being present at birth and not being fully squashed. As a recovered socially awkward nerd, this explains a lot. While I am a normal, socially well-adjusted person these days, as recently as four or five years ago that was not the case.
Would it be fair to say that swog is a lingering symptom of terminal nerdiness during teenage years?
I’m also curious about your theory around it not being able to be identified by the actual inflicted person themselves. Do you think there is no amount of training of awareness one can achieve to overcome it by themselves? What about situations where the inflicted is alone with someone and outside intervention is not possible?
Do you think an Alcoholics Anonymous-like sponsor should be available/on call 24/7 for these situations?
Eric
YOU’RE MAKING ME THINK SO MUCH HARDER THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE ABOUT THIS!
If I understand you’re first question correctly, I don’t think swog directly correlates to nerdiness. Everyone has it. How you handle it doesn’t determine your status. However, it may be more visible in “nerds” because they are incapable of hiding it effectively.
In regards to my theory, I do think that the afflicted party can work through it, but it’s nearly impossible if they’re truly infected. There are only a few factors that I’ve found useful for the afflicted to overcome swog on their own. They are as follows:
The girl or guy is waaaaaaaaaaaay into them, so the pressure is less intense
Alcohol is in their system (Note: I’m NOT advocating you get drunk in every social situation. I’m also not saying it’s a guaranteed fix. Sometimes people think they’re being smooth when, in reality, they look hella desperate)
If you are alone and there is no sign of help anywhere, then swog is very tough to defeat. It is not impossible, but the truly affected will have an incredibly difficult and stressful time finding a way out of their predicament.
However, all it will take (if you can summon it), is about 30 seconds of insane courage. I believe that swog is a make-or-break type deal. It may oftentimes be impenetrable, but it’s not without its fair share of defeats.
By the AA idea, are you implying that we should have a swag coach hotline, like in cheesy rom-coms, but way way way cooler? I’m all for that.
Angelo
That’s exactly what I am suggesting. I am a 27 year old man who has battled this condition my entire life. I do not wish that upon anyone. I am asking these questions not only so I can understand what I’m battling with, but so I can help others from finding themselves in this situation when they reach my age.
So, I’m going to ask another question that will require us to both dig in deeper about this phenomenon. In my experience, whenever I have found swog rearing it’s ugly head (for the sake of alliteration, I will refer to this as a “swog storm”), I have noticed that the situation fits into one of a few general categories:
Something that catches you totally by surprise
A completely novel and new experience
Given all that we’ve discussed, may I propose a theory of my own and get your opinion? You know that old quote about how luck is where opportunity and preparation meet? What if swog is when opportunity meets unreadiness?
We’ve already established that those inflicted with swog are generally confident individuals, so they’ll find themselves with opportunities. Unfortunately, they are ill-prepared for these opportunities and in those 30 seconds of hesitation after something surprising or new, they’ll stumble and fail and everything will go off the rails at this point. I like this explanation because I think it’s an accurate description of the problem, and also suggests a possible solution. This would then suggest that one can conquer swog by simply suffering through it and experiencing enough embarrassing, awful situations that you are then prepared for when they strike again.
That said, if I’ve learned anything in my 27 years, it’s that the amount of ways a situation can turn to shit and get super awkward is seemingly infinite, which suggests I will have to suffer with swog for the rest of my life. Though maybe, and I hope this is the case, it’s a problem that will asymptotically approach zero. Though I know it’ll lay dormant waiting to strike when I least expect it.
Eric
I totally buy into your theory, although one could reason that it is hard to prepare for something where you don’t know when or where it will strike.
That being said, I think that people who have been infected with swog are stuck with it the rest of their life. It sucks, but it’s always going to be around.
It’s hard to formulate this idea after a night of drinking, but I do like your theory. Let me add a revision to it, though. I believe that swog is sometimes prevalent when opportunity meets a lack of preparation, but it is also akin to a lack of awareness. I’m not even sure what I’m saying make sense, so let me put this into a formula.
Lack of preparation + lack of awareness of situation + overexaggerated “expectations” (I have a story if you don’t understand this part) + opportunity = swog.
Angelo
I can totally accept that amendment to my theory. There have been many, many times in my life when I have been totally oblivious to some subtext or clearly overlooked a serious red flag. Things like that can snowball and later bring about a swog storm.
I’m curious about these over- exaggerated “expectations” that you mention. Do you mean a false sense of bravado? An over-inflated ego or confidence?
Eric
Ah, this an important distinction here. I very much do NOT mean a false sense of bravado. I’ll get to that stuff in a little bit.
What I mean, and this is from personal experience is…well, ok. Let me give you a scenario.
Let’s say I somehow pull off enough swag to set up something as simple as inviting someone of the opposite sex over to watch a movie or they invite me or a third party does all this and bails. You know what I mean. There’s only two of us. In my head, I’m running through all these scenarios where pausing the movie will be necessary (if you know what I mean /nudges/ /raises eyebrows/). By the time I’ve run through all these, I’m all worked up and nervous about how I would react if any one of them happened, and by now I’ve retreated into myself and am about 30% as cool as what I want to be. In truth, if I could block those (really, pretty unrealistic) thoughts right away, then the night would be much more enjoyable, even if nothing came out of it.
This also happens in a group setting, when I invite someone I think is attractive to join whatever the group is doing. If they agree to come, it’s great. However, people with swog will still have those awkward thoughts of /should I sit by them? How outgoing should I be? How much attention do I show her?/ and then the people who don’t have swog DO “hit it off” with her and then you get intimidated and then become that 30% again. Perhaps “expectations” was the wrong word. What I’m trying to get at is that people with swog, since they usually don’t operate with swag, tend to mentally overcompensate or drum up wild exaggerations of hangouts so simple that you end up kind of ruining any chance you may think you have with them (in your head).
Let me ask you this: Say a girl you kind of like asks if you want to grab dinner, coffee, lunch, etc. You’re totally not into her just yet, but you want to see if there is anything worth pursuing. Does this not become a ‘date’ in your head automatically? Don’t you find yourself putting a little more pressure on this to go well than you should? It’s not simply just nerves. I’ve been nervous to do things I’ve been prepared for. That’s easy to fight through. This is different, because in your head, you’ve exaggerated what you’re actually doing. I really hope I’m not alone in this. I might cry if I am.
Now, let’s talk about that false sense of bravado, and hopefully this will lead into another discussion. There is no such thing (in my opinion) as a false sense of bravado for someone with swag. You may try to convince yourself that you have it before you go out to do whatever, but you don’t. The false sense of bravado belongs to your atypical “bro.” That over-confidence, as some would reckon, is how they get the girls or guys on most nights. I’m getting off track.
The reason people with swog won’t have that false sense of bravado is because they are too mental. Not to be offensive here, but they can’t think primitively enough to operate with majority swag. They take too much into account and hypothetically venture down too many avenues to give themselves any kind of real shot.
Angelo
I think this may be where you and I begin to diverge a bit, Mr. Buenning. To answer your question, yes. If I’m grabbing drinks, dinner, coffee or whatever with a girl that I am either into or interested in, then yes, I view this as a date. However, I do not find myself piling undo pressure upon myself as a result of this, with very rare exceptions. And to that, usually when I’ve felt this pressure, it’s been because we’re both super into each other and I have a good feeling going into it that we’re going to hit it off. That’s rare for me to feel that in a first date situation though.
Instead, I would posit that these feelings you are experiencing are a manifestation of insecurity, which I view to be separate and distinct from swog. That said, when I was your age, I felt these feelings regularly, so this may be an age thing here.
But I really like we’re you’re going with this idea about being in your head. I’m a neurotic mess at times. While I’m generally a calm and collected guy, the moment something weird, awkward or unexpected happens, I turn into an anxiety monster and totally lose all sense of cool. And that’s when swog happens. So much so in fact, that I would like to think that neuroticism is a prerequisite for swog.
Perhaps that’s the way to look at this? Swog is neurotic confidence/swag. You find yourself in a lot of situations where there is the potential for neurotic over-introspection and the moment an inciting incident occurs, you’re derailed in hilariously awkward fashion. What do you think?
Eric
That seems pretty accurate. Swog is, at it’s most simplest form, is just a crippling mental over-analyzation of a situation, usually with the outcome being hilariously awkward.
Is that it? Are we done?
Angelo
Outside of having to live with this for the rest of our lives, yeah. I think we’re done here. Hopefully this conversation can help someone in some way.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
Eric Buenning is a writer for ESPN Truehoop’s Bucksetball, SBNation’s Rufus on Fire and the soon to launch Shorthand District. He is the self-proclaimed “King of Swog” and may or may not have written some of these emails while trapped in a toilet.
Intimate Conversations are a new feature here at Goodspeed & Poe featuring, well, intimate conversations between two or more of our writers. On deck for the very first conversation, it’s Angelo and SpaceFunMars discussing their most embarrassing television confessions.
Angelo
So I hear you like some embarrassing television shows. Anything that can top Skins? I may or may not have watched four seasons of it on Netflix. I try to delude myself into thinking it’s not that horrible because at least it’s not the American remake that was on MTV. There’s still no excuse.
SpaceFunMars
Let me start off by saying I had to look up what Skins is. I think I watched this while drunk in my hotel room on a business trip to Scotland a few years ago, but you can’t hold anything I do while drunk against me. I’m sure my fiance would disagree with that statement.
I don’t want to reveal my entire hand too early in this exchange, but I absolutely loved the American soap opera Sunset Beach when I was in high school. This was a day before DVRs and Netflix, so I would have my mom tape every episode while I was at school. I would watch them whenever I got home.
I watched that entire series. In my defense, that show must have been a writer’s dream. It was obvious the writers were just messing around and doing stuff for laughs. One story line was the entire Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal played out on the show — only it was two weeks later than the most recent development in the scandal because that just happened to be the writing/filming delay. Another one was the 1972 movie The Poseidon Adventure stretched out into a several-week story line. That movie has been remade twice (once in 2005 and once in 2006), but neither of the remakes (nor the original) were anywhere near as awesome as Sunset Beach.
Angelo
Speaking of tapes, I’m pretty sure I have every WWF/WWE Pay Per View between 2001 and 2002 on tape somewhere at my parents’ house. I was the kid that got into wrestling after it was popular. I was pretty sweet in High School. Thankfully, it was a short lived phase.
There really is some racist, misogynist shit going down. I remember there was a feud that involved one guy fake raping the corpse of another dude’s dead girlfriend. Pretty sure it ended with that guy covered in brain and cracking a “screwed her brains out” joke.
Editor’s Note: a subsequent Google search revealed that, in fact, there was a corpse rape ending in that one-liner. Of course, all footage from this incident has been removed from the Internet, likely in an attempt to pretend that it never happened in the first place. But we know. It totally happened.
SpaceFunMars
If there is one thing I can be proud of, it’s that I never got into wrestling. I may never make anything of my life, but at least I have never watched any WWF/WWE show. Although, I have to admit I would have loved being in the writer’s room when that “screwed your brains out” idea was pitched.
My secret television show vices are all shows mostly intended for women. The one I SHOULD be most ashamed to watch is True Blood, but apparently most people are okay with that one despite it being one of the worst shows on TV (ignoring things like budget and production quality, which makes True Blood look like a higher quality show than it really is). The sad thing is that show could have interesting things to say about race and politics, but it gets mucked up with people who can read minds and werewolfs and other bullshit.
Since that one probably doesn’t count (even though it should), I have to admit I always watch an ungodly amount of HGTV. My favorite shows are House Hunters and Property Virgins (that one to a lesser extent now that they switched hosts). I would like to say that it was good for educating myself in my recent home purchase, but I have been watching those shows for years… and I keep watching them even after buying a house. I let my fiance believe I only watch these shows with her as some kind of trade-off for how much basketball I have forced her to watch. That isn’t true — I often watch these two shows when she isn’t around. Please don’t tell her.
Angelo
I did True Blood for two seasons. I really dug the subtle metaphor running through the first season, so I was super disappointed when they dropped it entirely in season two. Then season three started and I just gave up. That first episode was just too much with the ridiculous fan service. The dudes making out in the car with Bill’s blood, the close-up of the Norwegian dude’s thrusting ass cheeks and then, the final straw, the awful “hard water” pun in that bizarre dream sequence when Bill seduced Sam. I’m assuming it got more over the top from there?
My parents DVR some house makeover show starring Vanilla Ice. I can’t believe such a thing exists.
I’m glad that you bring up reality TV though. I have an unhealthy (no pun intended) love for shows about fat people on TLC. My personal favorite was Half Ton Dad. There was one episode featuring a dude who installed a pulley system by his bed and would call up food deliver services, tie a bucket to a rope, and throw the bucket with some cash out the window. The delivery people then knew to take the cash and put the food in the bucket, which he would then pull up to his bed-ridden self. His family never figured out where he kept getting food from. Apparently the rope tied to the bucket attached to the pulley on the window wasn’t enough of a give away.
There was also a show called The 650 Pound Virgin, which I always thought was a redundant title.
SpaceFunMars
I was going to keep with this reality show thing and talk about my love for the Ashley Simpson Show, but then something weird happened this weekend. I caught a pretty nasty cold on Thursday, which is always conducive to getting hooked on bad TV. Colds are the bad TV gateway drug — not other bad shows. The last awful cold I had got me hooked on both Sliders (only sort of holds up) and Nip/Tuck (I’ve become a sucker for Ryan Murphy shows, but I don’t feel ashamed of this).
This weekend, I got into that new NBC show Smash. It just happened. If you don’t know anything about this show, it’s a fictional show about the process of making a Broadway musical from start to finish. The musical is about Marilyn (from the context, I am assuming Marilyn Monroe). I hate all of the musical numbers they write for the musical. The writers for the show don’t know how to write realistic male characters (at all). This TV show has so many annoying things about it, I shouldn’t enjoy it on any level at all.
Somehow I do.
I think I find the creation process intriguing in general, and this show takes me through that process in a pretty interesting way. Plus, I kind of have a thing for that lady from Will and Grace even though she’s much older than me. Who cares — I’d like to see her naked. I said it.
Angelo
Dude, there’s nothing wrong with having a thing for Debra Messing. I get it.
I’m going to stress that this was back in 7th and 8th grade because I think that needs kept in mind with what I’m about to admit. These years were easily the worst. 7th grade was the year of Pokemon. While I’ll contest there was nothing wrong with being into the games because they were fun as shit, I had no excuse watching that damn cartoon. I’d even set my alarm clock to wake up early on Saturdays to watch it. It was super embarrassing and not a period I look back on fondly.
Though it did come in handy. Years later, when at a party, this one overweight girl passed out on the staircase, blocking everyone from getting upstairs to get their coats. Due to my vast knowledge of the original 150 Pokemon, I nicknamed her Snorlax, a name which has stuck forever since.
There was no redeeming my 8th grade obsession though. Dragon Ball Z. Yep, I had a DBZ phase. And I say a phase, because I was fucking obsessed with that shit, even to the point where I started a Geocities fan page. Hand coded that shit in HTML. It had frames, animated .gifs, a counter and even some .midi music. It was fancy.
Obviously it was all just a precursor for this, of course.
SpaceFunMars
I feel like that could all be worse — at least those shows are in the past. My last horrible secret hurts the most because, of all the shows I’ve mentioned, this is the one I like the most. When I say that, I mean it is one of my favorite shows. All the others I enjoyed, but it was a cheap thrill. This one I love. It’s like the difference between cheating on your girl with some random sex objects and cheating on her with someone in which you have an emotional investment. One hurts more than the other.
I am really into the NBC family drama Parenthood. I have seen every episode. If I don’t watch it live, it is the first thing I watch on DVR the next day. I really, legitimately like it. I’m not going to explain myself for it. I’m not going to make any excuses. I like this show, and I am finally going to stand proud about it.
This is who I am. A guy who watches a lot of chick shows.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
Spacefunmars writes about basketball at I GO HARD NOW. He also has a photo-blog about his pets. He lives in Buffalo and loves chocolate milk. All he wants is to love and be loved. You can find him on twitter @spacefunmars.
Editor’s Note: If you’re the kind of person who would be offended by having a 20 year old television show spoiled, you’ll probably want to just skip this series of posts entirely. If you’re not, continue on.
While there are some fantastic Monster of the Weekepisodes in this batch (including the crazy Gender Bender where a cult of space Amish almost seduce and kill Scully with sexual tension), the real stand outs are the episodes that tie into the main alien conspiracy. Things really start to build in this half of the season as both the Cigarette Smoking Man and Skinner begin to play a major role in the series. Overall, while the first half of the first season was mostly the series finding it’s voice, this is where it found it’s groove and started to consistently produce some great episodes.
Bring on season two.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelowrites/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, is working on a novel, and spends way too much time on Twitter. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.
