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An Intimate Conversation with SpaceFunMars about Boss Battles

This has been about four months in the making (solely my fault), but at long last, SpaceFunMars is back for another Intimate Conversation. This time, the two of us tackle the oh so important topic of boss battles in contemporary gaming. It all started off so innoncently, with me sitting in my apartment playing the newest Devil May Cry and wondering a simple question; where were all the bosses?

Angelo

As I’ve been playing through the new Devil May Cry game, after every level I’ve been wondering what’s happened to the boss fight in contemporary video games? How have things gone from a point where boss fights were expected after every level, to something where they happen maybe once every three or four, if at all, and usually feel rushed and slapped on. Do you share this lamentation?

SpaceFunMars

It bothers me more when boss fights are slapped on badly than when they aren’t there at all. I’m not going to say every game needs a boss fight since plenty of games are near perfection without them. I will say bad boss fights bother me to no end. At that point, just cut it out. I may be playing devil’s advocate when I say this, but boss fights often feel forced into games that are sticking to old videogame norms instead of doing what feels natural. Even to the point where some games have two different development teams — one that makes the actual game and one that makes the boss fights. That disconnect is in no way good for games.

Does it mean I dislike boss fights? Far from it. There are plenty of modern games that get it right. I just don’t lament the lack of boss fights — if only out of fear that adding them will make games worse.

Angelo

Do you have some examples of modern games that get it right? Generally speaking, I find that more often than not, most games get it wrong. Devil May Cry may be one of the first games I’ve played in a while that I thought got them really right (which is odd because I’ve noticed most reviews are ragging on the boss fights, so apparently I’m the only one who thinks that).

But you’re absolutely correct, bad boss fights are one of the quickest ways to get me to stop playing a game. Actually happened to me and Arkham Asylum. As much as I loved that game, the Poison Ivy boss was just so bad and so irritating, that I totally walked away and never finished. I just didn’t get it. The game was a brawler, yet that boss relied upon projectile weapons precise timing? Huh?

I think a lot of it has to do with what you mentioned about separate design studios. Too many games now-a-days feel like they have two different play mechanics, one for the the boss fights and one for everything else. While I loved quicktime events in Resident Evil 4, by this point, they’ve become so ubiquitous that it’s annoying. And there’s nothing worse than a boss fight that is comprised solely of QTEs. Or, like some of the bosses in the Dead Space series, where the game suddenly goes on rails and it turns into a glorified game of Duck Hunt. It’s so disappointing that these developers create these awesome environments and play mechanics, yet can’t deliver a boss fight that really utilizes them to their best

metalman

I think the problem is that the scope of videos game has gotten so large that developers feel like they have to make boss fights these huge, enormous set pieces like the God of War series (which I think actually does that right, but those games are some of the few). It’s like developers have forgotten that a good boss can still occur on a limited scope using mechanics found throughout the rest of the game and not everyone has to be this huge climatic battle with a boss the size of a building.

I mean, the Mega Man series had some of the best boss fights ever and they were barely larger than Mega Man himself.

SpaceFunMars

I think Nintendo consistently gets boss battles right in their games. I’ve been playing New Super Mario Brothers Wii-U, and I can’t fault the boss design in that game at all. Zelda and Metroid games have also nailed boss design over the years. I can’t think of any huge boss misstep in the world of Nintendo at all, which is something video game purist can count on over the years.

However, it is easy for Nintendo to to really nail boss battles because — Metroid aside — those games haven’t really changed ever. The 2D Mario games are exactly the same as every 2D Mario game in the past right down to the Boss battles. The 3D ones are pretty much refinements of Super Mario 64 which itself isn’t all that different from 2D Mario games. Although, I would say the 3D Marios have more variety than their 2D counterparts. Zelda games haven’t changed at all. 2D. 3D. It’s all the same. Metroid is the only series that has undergone any significant change, becoming a first-person-shooter Zelda during the Prime series. In this way, the boss fights also have a very Zelda feel to them, which isn’t a bad thing.

The main criticism of Nintendo is that their games never change. They’re all small refinements on a formula, and it’s for that fact that their boss battles never feel out of place. It almost doesn’t seem fair to list Nintendo games as examples of boss battles done right. I can’t exactly say they are examples of modern gaming, and I don’t think I can list many modern games that have done boss battles right.

When you asked me to join you in this boss battle conversation, the first game I thought of as an example of a game that does bosses correctly was Bit.Trip Beat. But that’s a game that — if stripped of its psychedelic lightshow backgrounds — could easily have been on the original Nintendo or even one of the Atari systems. If new Mario games aren’t modern, then this game is absolutely ancient. It seems that most new games that are purposefully retro nail boss fights, but to use them as examples is almost cheating.

joe_6_05As far as actual modern games go, I think the Portal games (Portal 2 especially), the Borderlands games, and the Viewtiful Joe series have pretty good boss fights.There aren’t many boss fights in the Portal games, but I excuse that because it’s a puzzle game. It’s amazing that those games have boss fights at all. Borderlands isn’t overrun with boss fights either, but I would say it’s more common than most games and never feels out of place.

What both of those games do right is bring game mechanics the player has been learning all along into the boss fights. The player has to every trick and every skill to beat the bosses. They’re bigger, more complete versions of the types of things they saw before.

Viewtiful Joe is somewhat different, and I’m not sure how to describe it. Those games use old school beat-em-up mechanics and completely turn them on their heads by adding in some super modern designs. Mostly, Joe’s ability to manipulate time (among other super powers). It’s a game that feels super modern while the level progression is more on the retro side. It’s almost a post-modern look at retro beat-em-ups. Of course, any good beat-em-up also has boss battles as part of its design, but this is the only game I can think of right now that mixes old and new design so flawlessly. Some of the answers to the boss problem may be hidden in figuring out that kind of mix.

Angelo

Oh, I absolutely agree that Nintendo get it right the most consistently. Actually, if I had to compose a list of my top five favorite boss battles, most would be Nintendo bosses.

You’re right, the best boss fights are ones that gradually build upon the skills learned in the game. That said, I took issue to the boss fights in Viewtiful Joe. While they did build upon those skills, they required a near mastery of them in order to get through them. While I’m all for difficult games, I prefer if a game allowed multiple solutions to each problem. With Viewtiful Joe, I just couldn’t do what needed to be done to beat one of the later bosses and never passed it. If they had allowed any other strategy to be successful, I would have finished and would have enjoyed the game more.

I call it the Mega Man Rule. Each boss had two ways to be defeated. There was the proper way, using the correct weapon, or there was the harder way, using the default Mega Buster. Sure, that was was already harder, but sometimes you didn’t have the right weapon. It’s a way of accepting that not every player will be able to master every skill and allow them to brute force their way through it if need be.

That or I was just terrible at that game and am kind of a wuss. Your call.

SpaceFunMars

My call is you aren’t very good at Viewtiful Joe. I’ll admit that particular boss is hard, but I beat it in a few tries. Editor’s Note: Without me even mentioning the specific boss, he immediately knew the one I was talking about. It’s THAT hard. It isn’t even the hardest boss in that game, but I’m not sure if that fact helps or hurts your case. I will say Joe is an example of a game that builds upon skills — although not to the point of mastery. Just near mastery.

What the game does wrong, as you say, is a very narrow-minded approach at beating bosses. There is basically one way to do it. The best boss fights allow for multiple approaches. You are absolutely right in that. I just think that is also a relative rarity. Look at Zelda and Mario games as an example. Zelda games always require the player to hit the boss three times with whatever new weapon Link acquires in each dungeon, and then attach the boss with the sword. Mario games involve jumping on someone’s head three times. The approaches in these games are not only narrow but follow a precise formula. Gamers don’t complain about that because these games don’t stray above sorta hard at any given time.

We live in an age where a lot of gamers bemoan the time when games were difficult, but when we get a game like Viewtiful Joe that is hard and has well-done boss fights, we complain about that. Very few games come even close to perfect, so it seems harsh to bad-mouth Viewtiful Joe for either being too difficult or not having two approaches to every boss fight. When I write it out, that’s a very small mistake in the grand scheme of a game.

It’s too bad Joe didn’t come out after some of Nintendo’s more recent games. They have a very interesting quasi-cheat mechanic in Mario games and Nintendoland where if a player dies too many times in an area, they get a special block that essentially makes them invincible so they can beat that difficult part of a level. If Viewtiful Joe had something like that — although maybe not nearly as powerful — it wouldn’t have to dial down the difficulty level so wusses like you can beat mid-game bosses.

Angelo

And this is where I’m going to have to disagree. I find that mechanic of “clearly you suck at this, so we’re going to let you skip this part” to be super cheap. Where’s the sense of accomplishment in finally beating that part you’re stuck on? Not to mention, that has to kill creativity. That’s one of the things I do like about incredibly difficult boss fights, the trial and error and “hey, maybe I should try doing this” that goes on before you finally figure out what it is you need to do.

And that’s why I like it when there are multiple ways to beat a boss. You still get that exploration of what it is you need to do, and the creators can make the preferred solution as complicated as they want, like in Viewtiful Joe. That said, since there will be a handful of people who can’t do that preferred method, having another option of just brute forcing your way through the boss can still allow players to proceed through the game and get that satisfaction of beating a difficult boss.

Metal-gear-rising-RAY-640x360The newest Metal Gear game does that perfectly. When I went through the first time, the mechanics of beating the bosses was just too complicated for me to grasp, so I wound up brute forcing my way through the bosses. It took a lot longer and a lot more med packs, but I was able to beat the game. Now that I’m going through on a New Game+ mode on a higher difficulty, I’ve figured those mechanics out and can beat the bosses in the preferred way much quicker and while taking much less damage. Even on a significantly harder difficulty.

That seems to be the best possible solution to this problem, no?

SpaceFunMars

I think you’re getting nit-picky at this point. You have to remember that anyone who is going to use the hand-holding feature probably isn’t good enough at video games at this point to play it over and over again until they beat it. I personally get so offended when I fail so much that it gets offered that I try super hard to beat it. It’s like a taunt that focuses me (not to mention, using this feature usually results in a lesser score if people care about that shit).

And I’ll also say that, in recent years, Mario games have been incredibly soft on players. New Super Mario Wii-U is the most hardcore Mario game since Super Mario World, and the only reason it gets away with that is because of the hand-holding feature. That has inspired increased creativity for a game that has to cater to more audiences and difficulty levels than any other game. And it’s not like some games where you can just choose easy, medium, or hard for a difficulty. What makes it difficult is the level design itself, which cannot be scaled easier or harder.

And keep in mind that some people just can’t “power through” a boss. You are talking about a skill inherent in hardcore gamers that casual ones may not possess. Even at that point, allowing such a tactic may compromise the vision a designer has for a game more than even the hand-holding feature. Allowing less skilled players to basically cheat code through a game doesn’t change the essence of the game itself, but allowing a “power through” tactic does.

I’m not disagreeing that I prefer multiple approaches to bosses, but I think in a world where great boss fights are going extinct, we can’t nit-pick over games that actually nail the design. Whether they make them too hard or create features that allow unskilled players to beat parts of the game where they are stuck is just complaining for the sake of complaining. We can’t have things go our way 100% of the time.

Angelo

You’re right. I’m nit-picking. That’s probably a sign that we need to stop and just appreciate what we have. And, with that, I think I’m going to go play some Bioshock.

In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo writes/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.

Spacefunmars has a photo-blog about his pets. He designs the world’s best ever board games. He lives in Buffalo and loves chocolate milk. All he wants is to love and be loved. You can find him on twitter @spacefunmars.

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An Intimate Conversation with Eric Buenning about Swog

Recently while scrolling through Twitter, I stumbled across the account of Eric Buenning, a fellow basketball blogger at SBNation. Eric was in the midst of telling a story that’s very familiar to me, the date that starts off super promising and ends horribly awkward. He then dropped a term that I’ve never heard before, “swog”. For those who are not familiar, this is a good primer. I knew I had to know more about this “swog” concept. And with that, a conversation began…

Angelo

Mr. Buenning,

As a man who has embarrassed himself in more than a few ways with the fairer sex, I find this concept of “swog” in which you frequently discuss on Twitter to be quite interesting. I was hoping we could begin with a quick run-down of what “swog” is and isn’t in your eyes. Most importantly, I am curious as to what separates “swog” from a lack of social awareness and the general inability to flirt with those you are attracted to. Care to shed some general insight before we move on to a deeper discussion of the topic?

Eric

First and foremost, I have to admit that I am not the one who came up with this. YouTube icon Ryan Higa made a video about ‘swog.’ I am just the one who carries the swog virus most feverishly.

Swog, in my eyes, is the opposite of swag in swag situations. What I mean by that is also my reasoning for why it’s not just a lack of social awareness.

A lack of social awareness or general inability to talk with the other sex stems from a lack of confidence in my eyes. If you’re approaching a girl thinking “oh shit oh shit this isn’t going to work out like the movies,” then it won’t. Because you suck. Because you eliminated the possibility of whatever you’re trying to accomplish working before you even began.

Swog is different. Strictly speaking in the category of hitting on women (or men, if you are a woman; or the same gender [swog doesn't discriminate]), swog happens when you go into it thinking that you’re going to be all sorts of smooth and that nothing could possibly go wrong. The act of the “pick-up” is just as awkward as one done by a socially inept person, but the original mindset going into it is different.

Swog is basically attempting what you think will be successful and falling flat on your face with it. For example: I work at a reception desk in my dorm. Sometimes, groups of girls walk by, and I greet them with “Hello, ladies.” Not the worst greeting ever, right? WRONG. I don’t have the most….variety in inflections of my voice so it came off like I’m Hannibal Lecter and now I’ve got a group of girls who want nothing to do with me. That’s swog.

Swog has also loosely permeated into events of mine where just super awkward and embarrassing things happen to or near me, and I don’t have the gumption to figure a way out of it in time. Magically, I always end up experiencing the most unorthodox and most spine-tinglingly awkward paths toward a solution.

I’m not an awkward guy. I’m actually pretty normal when it comes to most situations. It’s just..every time a situation presents itself where the most awkward version is a slight possible, I seem to end up living that timeline out.

Angelo

You basically just described my life. I’ve often wondered if I am currently living out the darkest timeline as I, much like you, have found my life seemingly always taking the most egregiously awkward turns with next to no warning and for no apparent reason.

This leads me to my next question. Is swog an innate characteristic that we both just happen to possess, or is it an external force much like the Kavorka of Seinfeld fame that has been inflicted upon us like a curse? In other words, is it fixable? Or are we doomed to walk the earth with permanent swog?

Eric

What a question. As it is hard for me to answer because I am currently so immersed in gooey, dirty swog, I believe it is something that is acquired. I struggle to say it’s a curse or something that can be afflicted upon someone, because I’ve tried to give it away…multiple times..it’s not working.

It’s not just straight up acquired though. I believe that, as a youth, we all had a chance to completely squash swog. A lot of people didn’t, but I believe that people like us left the door open a little too far for its return.

To answer your question fully, I am in the camp that believes that it is an external force that is not really afflicted on anyone at random. It’s always around. Some people just don’t have enough confidence to realize it’s coming and eradicate it.

I also think that it can be fixed, but not be the infected party. This is where the aid of quality wingman or wingwoman are pertinent. If there is anyone who can help shave the fat off most awkward situations, then the likelihood of a successful attempt of swag increases dramatically.

We are not totally doomed. Yet.

Also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you have swog!

(Sorry, it feels good to not be alone).

Angelo

I like the idea of it being present at birth and not being fully squashed. As a recovered socially awkward nerd, this explains a lot. While I am a normal, socially well-adjusted person these days, as recently as four or five years ago that was not the case.

Would it be fair to say that swog is a lingering symptom of terminal nerdiness during teenage years?

I’m also curious about your theory around it not being able to be identified by the actual inflicted person themselves. Do you think there is no amount of training of awareness one can achieve to overcome it by themselves? What about situations where the inflicted is alone with someone and outside intervention is not possible?

Do you think an Alcoholics Anonymous-like sponsor should be available/on call 24/7 for these situations?

Eric

YOU’RE MAKING ME THINK SO MUCH HARDER THAN I EVER HAVE BEFORE ABOUT THIS!

If I understand you’re first question correctly, I don’t think swog directly correlates to nerdiness. Everyone has it. How you handle it doesn’t determine your status. However, it may be more visible in “nerds” because they are incapable of hiding it effectively.

In regards to my theory, I do think that the afflicted party can work through it, but it’s nearly impossible if they’re truly infected. There are only a few factors that I’ve found useful for the afflicted to overcome swog on their own. They are as follows:

  • The girl or guy is waaaaaaaaaaaay into them, so the pressure is less intense
  • Alcohol is in their system (Note: I’m NOT advocating you get drunk in every social situation. I’m also not saying it’s a guaranteed fix. Sometimes people think they’re being smooth when, in reality, they look hella desperate)

If you are alone and there is no sign of help anywhere, then swog is very tough to defeat. It is not impossible, but the truly affected will have an incredibly difficult and stressful time finding a way out of their predicament.

However, all it will take (if you can summon it), is about 30 seconds of insane courage. I believe that swog is a make-or-break type deal. It may oftentimes be impenetrable, but it’s not without its fair share of defeats.

By the AA idea, are you implying that we should have a swag coach hotline, like in cheesy rom-coms, but way way way cooler? I’m all for that.

Angelo

That’s exactly what I am suggesting. I am a 27 year old man who has battled this condition my entire life. I do not wish that upon anyone. I am asking these questions not only so I can understand what I’m battling with, but so I can help others from finding themselves in this situation when they reach my age.

So, I’m going to ask another question that will require us to both dig in deeper about this phenomenon. In my experience, whenever I have found swog rearing it’s ugly head (for the sake of alliteration, I will refer to this as a “swog storm”), I have noticed that the situation fits into one of a few general categories:

  • Something that catches you totally by surprise
  • A completely novel and new experience

Given all that we’ve discussed, may I propose a theory of my own and get your opinion? You know that old quote about how luck is where opportunity and preparation meet? What if swog is when opportunity meets unreadiness?

We’ve already established that those inflicted with swog are generally confident individuals, so they’ll find themselves with opportunities. Unfortunately, they are ill-prepared for these opportunities and in those 30 seconds of hesitation after something surprising or new, they’ll stumble and fail and everything will go off the rails at this point. I like this explanation because I think it’s an accurate description of the problem, and also suggests a possible solution. This would then suggest that one can conquer swog by simply suffering through it and experiencing enough embarrassing, awful situations that you are then prepared for when they strike again.

That said, if I’ve learned anything in my 27 years, it’s that the amount of ways a situation can turn to shit and get super awkward is seemingly infinite, which suggests I will have to suffer with swog for the rest of my life. Though maybe, and I hope this is the case, it’s a problem that will asymptotically approach zero. Though I know it’ll lay dormant waiting to strike when I least expect it.

Eric

I totally buy into your theory, although one could reason that it is hard to prepare for something where you don’t know when or where it will strike.

That being said, I think that people who have been infected with swog are stuck with it the rest of their life. It sucks, but it’s always going to be around.

It’s hard to formulate this idea after a night of drinking, but I do like your theory. Let me add a revision to it, though. I believe that swog is sometimes prevalent when opportunity meets a lack of preparation, but it is also akin to a lack of awareness. I’m not even sure what I’m saying make sense, so let me put this into a formula.

Lack of preparation + lack of awareness of situation + overexaggerated “expectations” (I have a story if you don’t understand this part) + opportunity = swog.

Angelo

I can totally accept that amendment to my theory. There have been many, many times in my life when I have been totally oblivious to some subtext or clearly overlooked a serious red flag. Things like that can snowball and later bring about a swog storm.

I’m curious about these over- exaggerated “expectations” that you mention. Do you mean a false sense of bravado? An over-inflated ego or confidence?

Eric

Ah, this an important distinction here. I very much do NOT mean a false sense of bravado. I’ll get to that stuff in a little bit.

What I mean, and this is from personal experience is…well, ok. Let me give you a scenario.

Let’s say I somehow pull off enough swag to set up something as simple as inviting someone of the opposite sex over to watch a movie or they invite me or a third party does all this and bails. You know what I mean. There’s only two of us. In my head, I’m running through all these scenarios where pausing the movie will be necessary (if you know what I mean /nudges/ /raises eyebrows/). By the time I’ve run through all these, I’m all worked up and nervous about how I would react if any one of them happened, and by now I’ve retreated into myself and am about 30% as cool as what I want to be. In truth, if I could block those (really, pretty unrealistic) thoughts right away, then the night would be much more enjoyable, even if nothing came out of it.

This also happens in a group setting, when I invite someone I think is attractive to join whatever the group is doing. If they agree to come, it’s great. However, people with swog will still have those awkward thoughts of /should I sit by them? How outgoing should I be? How much attention do I show her?/ and then the people who don’t have swog DO “hit it off” with her and then you get intimidated and then become that 30% again. Perhaps “expectations” was the wrong word. What I’m trying to get at is that people with swog, since they usually don’t operate with swag, tend to mentally overcompensate or drum up wild exaggerations of hangouts so simple that you end up kind of ruining any chance you may think you have with them (in your head).

Let me ask you this: Say a girl you kind of like asks if you want to grab dinner, coffee, lunch, etc. You’re totally not into her just yet, but you want to see if there is anything worth pursuing. Does this not become a ‘date’ in your head automatically? Don’t you find yourself putting a little more pressure on this to go well than you should? It’s not simply just nerves. I’ve been nervous to do things I’ve been prepared for. That’s easy to fight through. This is different, because in your head, you’ve exaggerated what you’re actually doing. I really hope I’m not alone in this. I might cry if I am.

Now, let’s talk about that false sense of bravado, and hopefully this will lead into another discussion. There is no such thing (in my opinion) as a false sense of bravado for someone with swag. You may try to convince yourself that you have it before you go out to do whatever, but you don’t. The false sense of bravado belongs to your atypical “bro.” That over-confidence, as some would reckon, is how they get the girls or guys on most nights. I’m getting off track.

The reason people with swog won’t have that false sense of bravado is because they are too mental. Not to be offensive here, but they can’t think primitively enough to operate with majority swag. They take too much into account and hypothetically venture down too many avenues to give themselves any kind of real shot.

Angelo

I think this may be where you and I begin to diverge a bit, Mr. Buenning. To answer your question, yes. If I’m grabbing drinks, dinner, coffee or whatever with a girl that I am either into or interested in, then yes, I view this as a date. However, I do not find myself piling undo pressure upon myself as a result of this, with very rare exceptions. And to that, usually when I’ve felt this pressure, it’s been because we’re both super into each other and I have a good feeling going into it that we’re going to hit it off. That’s rare for me to feel that in a first date situation though.

Instead, I would posit that these feelings you are experiencing are a manifestation of insecurity, which I view to be separate and distinct from swog. That said, when I was your age, I felt these feelings regularly, so this may be an age thing here.

But I really like we’re you’re going with this idea about being in your head. I’m a neurotic mess at times. While I’m generally a calm and collected guy, the moment something weird, awkward or unexpected happens, I turn into an anxiety monster and totally lose all sense of cool. And that’s when swog happens. So much so in fact, that I would like to think that neuroticism is a prerequisite for swog.

Perhaps that’s the way to look at this? Swog is neurotic confidence/swag. You find yourself in a lot of situations where there is the potential for neurotic over-introspection and the moment an inciting incident occurs, you’re derailed in hilariously awkward fashion. What do you think?

Eric

That seems pretty accurate. Swog is, at it’s most simplest form, is just a crippling mental over-analyzation of a situation, usually with the outcome being hilariously awkward.

Is that it? Are we done?

Angelo

Outside of having to live with this for the rest of our lives, yeah. I think we’re done here. Hopefully this conversation can help someone in some way.

In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo writes/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.

9980b1340518653d0a4d143d4d4fbd84_biggerEric Buenning is a writer for ESPN Truehoop’s Bucksetball, SBNation’s Rufus on Fire and the soon to launch Shorthand District. He is the self-proclaimed “King of Swog” and may or may not have written some of these emails while trapped in a toilet.

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An Intimate Conversation with SpaceFunMars About Embarrassing Television

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Intimate Conversations are a new feature here at Goodspeed & Poe featuring, well, intimate conversations between two or more of our writers. On deck for the very first conversation, it’s Angelo and SpaceFunMars discussing their most embarrassing television confessions.

Angelo

So I hear you like some embarrassing television shows. Anything that can top Skins? I may or may not have watched four seasons of it on Netflix. I try to delude myself into thinking it’s not that horrible because at least it’s not the American remake that was on MTV. There’s still no excuse.

SpaceFunMars

Let me start off by saying I had to look up what Skins is. I think I watched this while drunk in my hotel room on a business trip to Scotland a few years ago, but you can’t hold anything I do while drunk against me. I’m sure my fiance would disagree with that statement.

I don’t want to reveal my entire hand too early in this exchange, but I absolutely loved the American soap opera Sunset Beach when I was in high school. This was a day before DVRs and Netflix, so I would have my mom tape every episode while I was at school. I would watch them whenever I got home.

I watched that entire series. In my defense, that show must have been a writer’s dream. It was obvious the writers were just messing around and doing stuff for laughs. One story line was the entire Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky scandal played out on the show — only it was two weeks later than the most recent development in the scandal because that just happened to be the writing/filming delay. Another one was the 1972 movie The Poseidon Adventure stretched out into a several-week story line. That movie has been remade twice (once in 2005 and once in 2006), but neither of the remakes (nor the original) were anywhere near as awesome as Sunset Beach.

Angelo

Speaking of tapes, I’m pretty sure I have every WWF/WWE Pay Per View between 2001 and 2002 on tape somewhere at my parents’ house. I was the kid that got into wrestling after it was popular. I was pretty sweet in High School. Thankfully, it was a short lived phase.

There really is some racist, misogynist shit going down. I remember there was a feud that involved one guy fake raping the corpse of another dude’s dead girlfriend. Pretty sure it ended with that guy covered in brain and cracking a “screwed her brains out” joke.

Editor’s Note: a subsequent Google search revealed that, in fact, there was a corpse rape ending in that one-liner. Of course, all footage from this incident has been removed from the Internet, likely in an attempt to pretend that it never happened in the first place. But we know. It totally happened.

SpaceFunMars

If there is one thing I can be proud of, it’s that I never got into wrestling. I may never make anything of my life, but at least I have never watched any WWF/WWE show. Although, I have to admit I would have loved being in the writer’s room when that “screwed your brains out” idea was pitched.

My secret television show vices are all shows mostly intended for women. The one I SHOULD be most ashamed to watch is True Blood, but apparently most people are okay with that one despite it being one of the worst shows on TV (ignoring things like budget and production quality, which makes True Blood look like a higher quality show than it really is). The sad thing is that show could have interesting things to say about race and politics, but it gets mucked up with people who can read minds and werewolfs and other bullshit.

Since that one probably doesn’t count (even though it should), I have to admit I always watch an ungodly amount of HGTV. My favorite shows are House Hunters and Property Virgins (that one to a lesser extent now that they switched hosts). I would like to say that it was good for educating myself in my recent home purchase, but I have been watching those shows for years… and I keep watching them even after buying a house. I let my fiance believe I only watch these shows with her as some kind of trade-off for how much basketball I have forced her to watch. That isn’t true — I often watch these two shows when she isn’t around. Please don’t tell her.


Angelo

I did True Blood for two seasons. I really dug the subtle metaphor running through the first season, so I was super disappointed when they dropped it entirely in season two. Then season three started and I just gave up. That first episode was just too much with the ridiculous fan service. The dudes making out in the car with Bill’s blood, the close-up of the Norwegian dude’s thrusting ass cheeks and then, the final straw, the awful “hard water” pun in that bizarre dream sequence when Bill seduced Sam. I’m assuming it got more over the top from there?

My parents DVR some house makeover show starring Vanilla Ice. I can’t believe such a thing exists.

I’m glad that you bring up reality TV though. I have an unhealthy (no pun intended) love for shows about fat people on TLC. My personal favorite was Half Ton Dad. There was one episode featuring a dude who installed a pulley system by his bed and would call up food deliver services, tie a bucket to a rope, and throw the bucket with some cash out the window. The delivery people then knew to take the cash and put the food in the bucket, which he would then pull up to his bed-ridden self. His family never figured out where he kept getting food from. Apparently the rope tied to the bucket attached to the pulley on the window wasn’t enough of a give away.

There was also a show called The 650 Pound Virgin, which I always thought was a redundant title.

SpaceFunMars

I was going to keep with this reality show thing and talk about my love for the Ashley Simpson Show, but then something weird happened this weekend. I caught a pretty nasty cold on Thursday, which is always conducive to getting hooked on bad TV. Colds are the bad TV gateway drug — not other bad shows. The last awful cold I had got me hooked on both Sliders (only sort of holds up) and Nip/Tuck (I’ve become a sucker for Ryan Murphy shows, but I don’t feel ashamed of this).

This weekend, I got into that new NBC show Smash. It just happened. If you don’t know anything about this show, it’s a fictional show about the process of making a Broadway musical from start to finish. The musical is about Marilyn (from the context, I am assuming Marilyn Monroe). I hate all of the musical numbers they write for the musical. The writers for the show don’t know how to write realistic male characters (at all). This TV show has so many annoying things about it, I shouldn’t enjoy it on any level at all.

Somehow I do.

I think I find the creation process intriguing in general, and this show takes me through that process in a pretty interesting way. Plus, I kind of have a thing for that lady from Will and Grace even though she’s much older than me. Who cares — I’d like to see her naked. I said it.

Angelo

Dude, there’s nothing wrong with having a thing for Debra Messing. I get it.

I’m going to stress that this was back in 7th and 8th grade because I think that needs kept in mind with what I’m about to admit. These years were easily the worst. 7th grade was the year of Pokemon. While I’ll contest there was nothing wrong with being into the games because they were fun as shit, I had no excuse watching that damn cartoon. I’d even set my alarm clock to wake up early on Saturdays to watch it. It was super embarrassing and not a period I look back on fondly.

Though it did come in handy. Years later, when at a party, this one overweight girl passed out on the staircase, blocking everyone from getting upstairs to get their coats. Due to my vast knowledge of the original 150 Pokemon, I nicknamed her Snorlax, a name which has stuck forever since.

There was no redeeming my 8th grade obsession though. Dragon Ball Z. Yep, I had a DBZ phase. And I say a phase, because I was fucking obsessed with that shit, even to the point where I started a Geocities fan page. Hand coded that shit in HTML. It had frames, animated .gifs, a counter and even some .midi music. It was fancy.

Obviously it was all just a precursor for this, of course.

SpaceFunMars

I feel like that could all be worse — at least those shows are in the past. My last horrible secret hurts the most because, of all the shows I’ve mentioned, this is the one I like the most. When I say that, I mean it is one of my favorite shows. All the others I enjoyed, but it was a cheap thrill. This one I love. It’s like the difference between cheating on your girl with some random sex objects and cheating on her with someone in which you have an emotional investment. One hurts more than the other.

I am really into the NBC family drama Parenthood. I have seen every episode. If I don’t watch it live, it is the first thing I watch on DVR the next day. I really, legitimately like it. I’m not going to explain myself for it. I’m not going to make any excuses. I like this show, and I am finally going to stand proud about it.

This is who I am. A guy who watches a lot of chick shows.

In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo writes/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.

Spacefunmars writes about basketball at I GO HARD NOW. He also has a photo-blog about his pets. He lives in Buffalo and loves chocolate milk. All he wants is to love and be loved. You can find him on twitter @spacefunmars.