Category Archives: Conspiracy 101

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Conspiracy 101: Coast to Coast AM

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by Conspiracy 101 • Tags: ,

Sleep has always been elusive for me. Between naturally being a bit of a night owl, my horrible caffeine dependency and my love of surfing the Internet, I don’t usually get to bed until at least 1:00am on most nights. Even as a child, with a strictly enforced bed-time, I would lay in bed for hours before finally being able to fall asleep. Thankfully in those days, I had my trusty clock radio and Coast to Coast AM to keep me company.

What is Coast to Coast AM you ask? It’s only the single greatest radio show ever. Ever. For four hours every night, Coast to Coast AM features the cream of the crop of conspiracy theorists, psychic mediums, cryptozoologists, and pretty much everyone else that makes Glenn Beck look like a sound, reasonable man, talking about an array of topics as varied as Bigfoot, alien abductions, hauntings, and, my personal favorite, politicians that are actually shape-shifting reptilian alien overlords. It short, it fucking rules.

Look at that man. Aviators. Turtleneck. Mustache. Smokers voice. He’s pretty much the coolest. He’s also the original host of Coast to Coast AM, Art Bell. Sadly, Art’s been retired for most of the past decade, leaving the reigns of Coast to Coast AM in George Noory’s somewhat shaky hands, but when he was at the helm, Coast to Coast AM was some of the greatest entertainment around.

You see, Art’s an old school conspiracy theorist. While contemporary conspiracy theorists have hung their hat on lame conspiracies revolving around 9/11, Obama’s birth certificate and new world orders run by bankers, Art was all about the good shit. Alien abductions. Roswell. Area 51. Reptilians. Bigfoot. New world orders run by space lizards. You know, the batshit awesome stuff you think a guy that looks like Art would be into.

The best thing about Art though, was that he didn’t take any shit. You see, Coast to Coast AM is known for it’s unscreened open phone lines. Being that there are no call screeners, pretty much any paranoid hillbilly that’s awake at 2:00am on a Tuesday could call in and get on the air with Art. And while these crazy phone calls about being abducted by aliens that did your laundry were awesome, Art calling these hillbillies out on their shit was even more awesome. You know, you don’t want people to not take your show seriously after all.

While Art’s retired, he’ll still come back to fill in from time to time, which is great not only because the show is back in it’s old form, but because Art has since quit smoking. Why does that matter? Because Art’s been taking Chantix for seemingly a solid decade. Chantix, if you’re unaware, has a variety of crazy side effects, including super vivid night terrors, which Art will talk about at length on air. Now keep in mind, this man spent his life talking to dudes who hunt Bigfoot. Can you imagine the fucked up, crazy ass Chantix nightmares this man has? Yeah, they’re fucking awesome.

Coast to Coast AM was always about the moments. On any given night, you had no idea what crazy shit was going to go down. Below are some of my favorites:

Moment 1: The Area 51 Caller

Like I mentioned earlier, Coast to Coast AM never screens their calls. One night back in 1997, this happened. A man claiming to have worked at Area 51 called in and began detailing a far-reaching government conspiracy involving cross-dimensional aliens, NASA and population control. While the caller was frantically (fairly legitimately I may add) explaining the “truth” behind Area 51, something happened and the satellite carrying the show was knocked offline.

While just a crazy coincidence, this of course was a sign that the government got wind of the fact that someone was spilling the beans and killed the satellite. The caller later called back and confessed that he was pulling a prank, but even after that disclosure, Art chose to believe the government knocked the show off the air because the guy had accidentally hit upon the truth. Like I said, this show rules.

Moment 2: JC and Oscar

Coast to Coast AM has a few notable recurring callers. My personal favorites go hand in hand. The first is the hillbilly you hear in the video above, ranting about how Bigfoot is actually Satan. His name is JC. He claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, hence the name. Art hates him and has had many amazing duels with him on the air, including this one.

The second caller may be familiar to fans of the band Islands, as they sampled him in the song Volcanoes. Oscar is a demon that also happens to be the son of Satan. He’s also a woman named Rachel. It’s complicated. Oscar started calling after Art had handed over the show to George Noory, but has still produced many memorable moments, including this great one when JC and Oscar briefly had it out over the phone:

Moment 3: The Sounds of Hell

Back to the Art Bell days. The story goes that a Siberian mining operation was wiped out when it accidentally opened a hole to Hell. After Art had covered the story, a listener sent in a cassette tape supposedly from a tape recorder lowered into the hole. The result was another classic Coast to Coast AM moment.

The actual story if you’re curious, is that the hole in question was actually a sinkhole that was amplifying the sounds from a roller coaster many miles away. Science!

Like all things in life, Coast to Coast AM isn’t going to be around forever. Already, without Art Bell behind the mic, the quality of the show has slipped. And sadly, I’m sure there will be a day when Coast to Coast AM will become an extension of Fox News and just become Republican talking points about how Obama is an socialist atheist that was born in Indonesia that is waging a war on religion, the family and America. However, until that day comes, I’ll be listening just in case something awesome happens and another classic Coast to Coast AM moment is born.

In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo writes/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.

X-Files

Unfinished Business with the X-Files Part 2: Episodes 13-24

by Conspiracy 101, Television, Unfinished Business • Tags: ,

Feature image artwork by Maddison Bond

Editor’s Note: If you’re the kind of person who would be offended by having a 20 year old television show spoiled, you’ll probably want to just skip this series of posts entirely. If you’re not, continue on.

Previous Installments:

Introduction – Find out what this whole project is about

Season 1: Part 1 – When Mulder meets Scully

The Episodes

Episode 13: “Beyond the Sea” Monster of the Week

More psychic powers.

This time, a death row inmate.

Scully starts to doubt.

Rating: 3/5

Episode 14: “Gender Bender” Monster of the Week

Amish aliens.

Sex so good it will kill you.

What the flying fuck?

Rating: 5/5

Episode 15: “Lazarus” Monster of the Week

Like Freaky Friday

Only with a dead convict.

It’s forgettable.

Rating: 2/5

Episode 16: “Young at Heart” Monster of the Week

Fox’s past haunts him.

Benjamin Button like case.

Dude with lizard arm.

Rating 5/5

Episode 17: “E.B.E.” Alien Conspiracy

Follow that tanker.

Chasing alien carcass.

Deep Throat saves Mulder.

Rating: 5/5

Episode 18: Miracle Man Monster of the Week

Evangelicals.

A faith healer who murders.

Crappy burn make-up.

Rating: 3/5

Episode 19: Shapes Monster of the Week

Skinwalkers stalk man.

Reservation under siege.

Warewolf Bar Mitzvah.

Rating: 3/5

Episode 20: Darkness Falls Monster of the Week

Man-eating tree mites.

Booby traps keep them in woods.

The weirdest ending.

Rating: 1/5

Episode 21: Tooms Monster of the Week

Stretchy Tooms is back.

Looking for that last liver.

Escalator death.

Rating 5/5

Episode 22: Born Again Monster of the Week

Psychic little girl

Is actually a dead cop.

Revenge from the dead.

Rating: 3/5

Episode 23: Roland Monster of the Week

Identical twins.

Engineer and janitor.

Psychic Connection.

Rating: 3/5

Episode 24:  The Erlenmeyer Flask Alien Conspiracy

Purity Control.

Deep Throat gone, our homie dead.

The X-Files shut down.

Rating: 5/5

Thoughts

While there are some fantastic Monster of the Week episodes in this batch (including the crazy Gender Bender where a cult of space Amish almost seduce and kill Scully with sexual tension), the real stand outs are the episodes that tie into the main alien conspiracy. Things really start to build in this half of the season as both the Cigarette Smoking Man and Skinner begin to play a major role in the series. Overall, while the first half of the first season was mostly the series finding it’s voice, this is where it found it’s groove and started to consistently produce some great episodes.

Bring on season two.

In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo writes/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.

X-Files

Unfinished Business with The X-Files Part 1: Episodes 1-12

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by Conspiracy 101, Television, Unfinished Business • Tags: , ,

Feature image artwork by Maddison Bond

Editor’s Note: If you’re the kind of person who would be offended by having a 20 year old television show spoiled, you’ll probably want to just skip this series of posts entirely. If you’re not, welcome on board to the first post of many.

This is it. The beginning of one of the largest and, in all honesty, most pointless writing projects I’ve ever undertaken. Nine seasons. 202 episodes. Two feature length films. That’s roughly 145 hours of media. That’s six full days of my life, before I even take into account write-ups. Will I make it all the way through? Will I give up once Doggett replaces Mulder?  Will Mulder and Scully finally hook-up? Will anyone care or read these? Only one way to find out.

Also, did I mention that I’m going to review these in haiku? Because I’m doing that. YOLO and all that.

The Episodes

Episode 1: “Pilot” Monster of the Week/Alien Conspiracy

Exposition time.

Fox Mulder wants to believe.

Scully? not so much.

Rating: 3/5

Episode 2: “Deep Throat” Alien Conspiracy

His name is Deep Throat.

No connection to the porn.

Mulder’s informant.

Rating: 3/5

Episode 3: “Squeeze” Monster of the Week

Really flexible.

Eats a lot of organ meat.

Mutant, not hippie.

Rating: 5/5

Episode 4: “Conduit” Monster of the Week

Samantha Mulder.

Abducted at a young age.

Fox’s search begins.

Rating 4/5

Episode 5: “Jersey Devil” Monster of the Week

A feral caveman

Is not the Jersey Devil.

Skip this episode.

Rating: 1/5

Episode 6: Shadows Monster of the Week

Psychokinesis?

Or is it a Poltergeist?

Classic whodunnit.

Rating: 4/5

Episode 7: Ghost in the Machine Monster of the Week

Evil computer.

Totally about Steve Jobs.

This episode sucks.

Rating: 1/5

Episode 8: Ice Monster of the Week

Agents in Arctic.

This is pretty much The Thing.

I miss Kurt Russell.

Rating: 5/5

Episode 9: Space Monster of the Week

Dear God, this is bad.

Face on Mars possesses dude.

Worst one of this bunch.

Rating 1/5

Episode 10: Fallen Angel Alien Conspiracy

A downed UFO.

Main conspiracy heats up.

Incredibly good.

Rating: 5/5

Episode 11: Eve Monster of the Week

A crazy plotline.

Eve 6 named themselves after.

Attack of the Clones.

Rating: 3/5

 

Episode 12:  Fire Monster of the Week

Pyrokinesis.

Mulder’s British ex-girlfriend.

Totally crazy.

Rating: 4/5

Thoughts

So far, so good. While there’s a lot of exposition to get through up front introducing all the characters, their backstories and the main alien conspiracy, this is a pretty solid batch of episodes that really encapsulates the series for what it is. While there are some truly awful episodes in here (especially Space), it’s more than made up for by the greats Fallen Angel, Ice, and Squeeze. There’s also two solid episodes that are awesome solely for cheesy reasons in Fire and Eve.

Strangely enough, outside of a quick couple seconds in Pilot, the Cigarette Smoking Man has yet to play into the story at all. I don’t remember him being so uninvolved early on. At this point, the main alien conspiracy that runs through all the seasons is still pretty straight-forward and simple. It won’t stay that way for so long. So far, I’m not regretting this decision in the slightest. We’ll see how long that lasts.

In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo writes/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.

066

Conspiracy 101: Reptilians

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by Conspiracy 101 • Tags: ,

What do people like Dick Cheney, Beyonce, the Queen of England and Barack Obama have in common? Money? Fame? Power? While these are all pretty valid answers, there’s something else. Something deeper. Something more sinister. Something that very few people actually have dug deep enough to figure out. You see, while most people look at celebrities and see people who have been lucky enough to have been born with a highly-marketable skill or gift, there exists a small subset of truth-seekers that know the the truth. The truth that people such as Beyonce are actually shape-shifting alien lizards from the Alpha-Draconis star system that have travelled to Earth to enslave mankind.

The Conspiracy

The Reptilian Conspiracy is easily my favorite conspiracy theory as it scores a 15/10 on the batshit crazy scale. I’ll try to paraphrase it as best as I can from an old episode of Coast to Coast AM, though this website here also has a good write-up.

  • Man is not born of this Earth. We are actually descended from a race of primate-like aliens from the Alpha-Draconis star system. Man millennia ago, our ancestors got into a space war with a race of reptilian aliens. Our ancestors lost the war, and fled the star system, eventually landing on Earth.
  • The Reptilian aliens were hot on our trail, but they wanted to follow us stealthily. As such, they hollowed out a large rock, and used it as an organic spaceship to travel to Earth. This large, hollowed out rock drifted into Earth’s gravitational pull and settled into orbit, and the Reptilians then completed their invasion without being detected. We know this spaceship as the Moon.
  • Initially, the Reptilians were unable to hide their lizard-like appearance and they frightened primitive man. To escape detection, they fled to underground caverns and caves, only occasionally being spotted. Over time, stories of Reptilian humanoids that lived underground formed the backbone of stories about Satan, Demons and Hell. Their bones and bodies? Dinosaurs.
  • With time, the underground dwelling Reptilians learned how to disguise their shape and they began to leave their caves to begin acting out their secret plan. They used their advanced technology to build the Pyramids, Stonehenge  and all that jazz. Ancient man was won over by these displays, and the Reptilians began their secret rule.

And so it’s been for centuries. Man has gone about their busy little lives, oblivious to the fact that flesh-eating lizard men secretly rule the Earth. But the signs are there, obviously.

I mean, look at that, there’s some wrinkly shit on your forehead. Can’t possibly be because she’s straining and singing her ass off or anything. No, her scales are tearing away at the latex human mask that she wears. If you do a Google Image Search for Reptilian, you’ll see dozens of photos of celebrities, politicians and royalty with every blemish, wrinkle, age spot or shadow circled as proof of them actually being lizards.

It’s pretty convincing stuff. Did I forget to mention that historically speaking royalty have been referred to as “blue bloods”? You know why? It has nothing to do with the fact that their deoxygenated veins show through their pale complexion, no, no, it’s because they actually have blue blood.

Because they’re lizards. From space.

Why Would Anyone Believe This Shit?

I mean, when you think about it, this conspiracy theory encompasses a lot of crazy shit. Not only do you have to believe that there’s actually humanoid lizards walking around disguised as celebrities and politicians, you have to believe that man is actually descended from monkey aliens that travelled across the universe to flee another race of aliens that hollowed out the Moon and used it as a spaceship. How the hell can anyone believe this shit?

I have two theories.

  1. Blinding Pride. One of the central components of this conspiracy theory is that humanity is enslaved and it’s totally hopeless and impossible to achieve any degree of success or power as there’s a massive global conspiracy with lizard aliens. In a bizarre way, this can be somewhat comforting for someone who has failed to make anything of themselves. Your failures to achieve your dreams or do anything notable with your life are not your fault, but rather the doings of these evil lizard people. Sure, you could take night classes or look for a better job, but what’s the point? The lizard people are going to win. Might as well just accept that and move on with your life. Blame them, not yourself.
  2. Bleeding Heart. Alternatively, what if you find yourself struggling accepting the fact that humanity is capable of doing terrible things in the name of money or power? Simple, dehumanize the perpetrators of the atrocity you’re struggling with. It’s hard to believe that mankind’s greed could lead to the economic crisis we’re in. But if all those bankers are secretly space lizards? That’s a little more believable.

And that’s why this conspiracy theory has the legs that it does. Despite being totally batshit, it appeals to both sides of the aisle. It’s a special, bipartisan kind of crazy. Plus it has space lizards. Space lizards totally rule.

Regardless of why people believe in this shit, I’m glad they do. Keep on being crazy, crazy people. Someone appreciates you for what you bring to this weird little world we live in.

In addition to Goodspeed & Poe, Angelo writes/podcasts about the NBA for I GO HARD NOW, covers the Cavaliers at Fear the Sword, and ocassionally writes about horror films for Bloody Good Horror. He lives in his native Cleveland with his Netflix account and PlayStation.